Vamps

Initial thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: Needy and Jenny are back baby! For some reason, they decided to change the first few letters of their names to “Goo” and “Stac”. Also they’re much funnier and have way better chemistry than Needy and Jenny. I've been very excited to watch this movie after my friend Jordemesia "B'loodsucka" Stakeknife recommended it to me.

Vera Bradley: Fangs are in, and being truthful to your friends about your age is out! (And so is murder, apparently 🙄). This movie has really lazy writing but some very fun vibes.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: I’m contemplating adding a “Classic Vampire Tropes” page to our header so we can compare. Anyways, these guys are pretty much your average vampires BUT there are two main differences. They are able to go their whole lives without drinking any human blood. Stacy is flabbergasted by the sight of a dead body. The convenient way out is that vampires can drink animal blood. I’m a bit torn on whether or not to like this. The upside to this is we get great scenes with rat juice boxes, the girls work as exterminators, and all the vampires meet up for Sanguines Anonymous. The downside is these guys are complete and total wimps. They even call themselves wimps.

Spoiler alert; these guys are totally gonna be F-tier vampires. As if never drinking blood isn’t bad enough, they throw in a weird trope where only “stem” vampires can actually turn humans into one of them. No, they don’t talk about where these stem vampires come from. I understand Goo’s explanation on the benefits of stem vampires, but I do not understand why and how these stem vampires came to exist.

VB: This movie was obviously made by non-vampires because why was the hometown soil INSIDE their coffins? Have you ever seen a person get buried with dirt inside their coffin? No tf you haven’t!!! These girls have just been sleeping in dirt for (in Goody’s case) hundreds of years?? The dirt is supposed to be under your coffin, or maybe in a little bag or something, but it makes zero sense to have soil in your coffin.

One other trope note, there was a character who pretended to be a “Psy-vampire” to infiltrate a meeting of Sanguines Anonymous, and while it was just a 10 second gag and not a real thing in this universe, it was a fun precursor to the type of energy vampires we see later in WWDITS. It did make me wonder whether they had watched this.

EDIT 5/12/25:

MB: Yesternight on my moonlit walk I remembered something from this movie. Their big plan to delete all vampires from the jury duty roster revolves around a solar eclipse? But the solar eclipse is really really long. Like REALLY long. This Wikipedia article states that the longest an eclipse can theoretically last is 7 minutes and 32 seconds, and will happen on July 16, 2186. AND that eclipse would only last that long at the exact epicenter. So what gives???

Also there's a really weird bit where they bring in an ancient Kushite vampire and he's white. They talk about how vampires have really pale skin but this is just weird. VAMPIRES HAVE PALE SKIN BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN DRAINED OF BLOOD AND CANNOT GO OUT INTO THE SUN. THEY ARE REANIMATED CORPSES. A black vampire will not become white because they got turned into a vampire. Please see the "Final thoughts" section for this movie's budget so you can see how ridiculously asinine both of these fuckups are. 

2: Any good kills?

MB: Yes, but more in a funny way than a satisfyingly disgusting death. The original Vlad Tepes is here, and I would have loved to see him in action.

VB: I really liked when they cut Sigourney Weaver’s head off with a chainsaw, and then her still-sentient head attached itself to a skeleton before being killed for good.

MB: I also love how terrible the CGI is in that scene.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: I really liked how Goody was at peace with her demise, and why she became a vampire in the first place (to protect her children from a terrible fate of being orphans in the early 19th century). What I hatehatehate about Goody’s demise is that she did it so Stacy could have a baby with her stupid boyfriend! No no no! He is so dumb! He would be a bad father! I had hoped he could be redeemed in the flash-forward scene but unfortunately he’s still an idiot. How could anyone ogle another girl in the presence of Krysten Ritter???

VB: The intro to this movie was such a good comeback to the too-tired angsty vampire trope. Goody lists scores of reasons being a vampire is awesome–so many cool nighttime activities and so much youth to do them with!

However this movie also removes any real drawback to being a vampire, making it far less interesting. The vampire movie/book is reliant on the tension that comes with the idea of eternal life at enormous cost. Without that, it's just a movie about people who can live for a long time if they want.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: Sigh. Alicia Silverstone, Krysten Ritter, and Sigourney Weaver normally have enough sex appeal to combat the worst fashion sins in history, but no amount of sexy women can fight the most egregiously uncomfortable cancer patient/vampire sex (?) scene I’ve ever seen. Maybe I will add a GIF if I feel a little masochistic.

Oh also Stacy wears a dress that hypnotized me and Vera. (Unfortunately, this is the best photo I could find.)

VB: Krysten Ritter was so sexy but alas the sexy sense of danger that comes with sexy vampires was gone because these are the lamest vampires in any fictional canon I have ever seen.

Also yes this movie tried to expend most of its (comedic?) sex appeal on the literal worst movie scene my eyes have ever been subject to, a pseudo pornographic gag in which an old and withered cancer patient tongues a (pretty hot, tbh) horny vampire until his blood turns her into a bimbo, and she’s immediately DTF. Just awful.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: No. But I would like to hang out with Krysten Ritter.

VB: Agreed.

Final thoughts?

MB: I liked it! A bit silly but it was definitely a good time. And I really love how many vampire movies feature a blonde and brunette duo.

I do want to talk a bit about the movie’s budget. IMDB says Vamps had an estimated budget of $16 million. It grossed $548 on opening weekend and grossed $92,748 worldwide. I have a lot of questions.

VB: This movie had some REALLY promising concepts– vampire AA, the use of jury duty to persecute vampires, a unique vampire making system– and then just never fully delivered on them. This movie is a great cure for anyone experiencing imposter syndrome because if this script made it to air, truly anybody can write a movie. (Or act in one- I’ve never seen a less convincing performance of “man finds out his ex girlfriend from 40 years ago is still the same age”). That said I’d still hang out with these divas.

“Well… you got grandpa that time”

-- XOXO Mona and Vera