Blade

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: The first 15 minutes of Blade was the best movie I’ve ever seen, and the rest of it was pretty okay. Two words: Vampire nightclub. Two more words: Blood sprinklers. Despite a tantalizing glimpse into the underground vampire scene, this movie spends its remaining 100 minutes trying (with some success, I will say) to get us onto the side of the vampire hunter, and showing us some lamer vampires.

Mona Bloodstick: Blood, blood, and more blood! Coming straight out of sprinklers all over clubbing vampires. And all that blood went straight to my dick. Nothing beats the blood sprinkler scene. Watching it is like standing on top of Mount Everest while surveying the land below you. Skip mountain climbing, and just watch the first 15 minutes of Blade instead. Can’t quite say the same about the rest of the movie, though.

However, you gotta give Blade credit for the aesthetic. Where producers and scriptwriters failed, lighting, set design, camera crew, costume designers and more WON. Blade is an average looking businessman with a cool haircut and an Armani suit.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: This movie is notable for its skillful handling of what I know to be Mona’s least favorite vampire trope, the self-hating vampire. I think Louis from Interview With a Vampire would really have benefited from watching this movie, because here is a vampire who hates what he has become, and DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! While yes, there are moments of (brief) moping, Blade takes his shredded vampire bod to work, eliminating as many vampires as he can, and utilizing science and technology to repress his urge for blood.

Now, this last note does beg some consideration. Is it cheating for him to have a blood substitute? Honestly, yes; it alters what it means to be a vampire enough that I don’t know that you could call Blade a true vampire. But tbh that is his whole thing- daywalker etc. I do think it is allowable in this case because it allows the movie to explore interesting avenues, but in general it’s not a trope I like.

Now, one bone I have to pick, related to the above point, is the treatment of Blade’s eventual consumption of real blood. At the end of the movie, he is out of serum and about to… die? Faint? Not really sure what would happen, but the point is he needs blood. His girl side-kick willingly offers her blood, and they have an OVERTLY sexual feeding session, climax included. After he consumes the blood he is powerful again and goes to fight, and then basically the end. Now, logistically, I take issue with the fact there isn’t really any difference in his powers or demeanor when he drinks blood vs takes serum. More seriously though, symbolically I take issue with the fact that there are no personal, mental, spiritual etc repercussions here. He has resisted drinking blood for his whole life and finally has blood and its nbd and nothing in the story or in his character arc changes? And also the girl is fully 100% fine despite having clearly been drained of blood down to the last pint. It is very weird and kinda lazy to me.

MB: The vampires in this movie are incredibly weird. Sure, they drink blood, have fangs, and can’t go out in the daylight. OR CAN THEY?? Because apparently if you wear sunscreen with a high enough (but still completely normal) SPF and add a motorcycle helmet, you sure can go outside! These guys are REALLY weird. In this universe, there are vampires that have been changed from humans, and there are pureblood vampires. Of course there is conflict between the two. Don’t even ask me how pureblood vampires work. Isn’t the point of being dead that you cannot create new life?? Pureblood vampires are adults, do they emerge from the womb fully formed?? At least there is none of my least favorite trope, the self-hating vampire.

That being said, Blade’s origin story rocks. Pregnant pureblood vampires don’t make much sense, but a human mother who was bitten by a vampire giving birth to a half-vampire child works very well. Wesley Snipes kills this role. This movie would not be the same without him.

As previously stated, Blade kills with the aesthetics. I can't tell if this is an area where Blade sticks with the original style of Dracula or if Blade set the precedent for this type of vampire aesthetic. Either way, I’m seated.

2: Any good kills?

VB: YES. It is so hard for me to decide which to highlight because there were so many good ones. The one foremost in my mind currently, just for how strange and fucked up it was, is the death of the record keeper, “Pearl”. Steven Norrington (director) and David Goyer (Writer) saw return of the Jedi and boy oh boy did they LOVE Jabba the Hut. “But hmmm…..” (they said to one another, hands clasped and eyes shining) “...What if he was made of human skin and whiny instead of a mafia boss?”

Imagine, if you will, frying a big slug with a magnifying glass in the sun. Now imagine that slug has man boobs and has been stuffed into a basement office, and it’s a vampire-killing flashlight instead of a magnifying glass.

Now imagine two boys kissing (you would). That one was just for fun.

It is worth noting that aside from some specific kill scenes, most vampires turn into a low poly cgi skeleton and combust, video game style. It is interesting to say the least.

MB: I don’t think I can say it any better than Vera. Every kill scene in this movie is like the holy water garlic bathtub scene in the Lost Boys. I can’t describe them, you will just have to watch it yourself. I also strongly wish that Blade had kissed any of the boys in the movie instead of the woman Vera mentions in the Sex Appeal section.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: See Trope section.

MB: Basically “I know my fate and I don’t like it, I’m not gonna be sad and I’m going into action.” HALLELUJAH!

4: Sex appeal?

VB: The sex appeal here is meh (except for the nightclub vampires), but I do want to take a moment to speak about the weird sexual tension between Blade and his mother.

Hmmmmm.

MB: I personally found the sex appeal to be quite strong but weird at certain points. Again with the nightclub vampires!! Love those guys. Obviously, most of the cast is hot, and we see a lot of clubbing vampires, but it just isn’t a whole lot of sexual tension. I don’t want to talk about the scene with Blade and his mom.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

VB: Soft no due to the danger of Blade chasing me down and killing me, and the Jake-Paul-ness of the young vampire community, BUT I will say the vampire nightclubs in this movie make the most compelling argument for being a vampire out of all the movies we have watched so far. If I had to choose a universe at this moment right now, it might be this one, just due to the vampire nightclubs.

MB: Agreed with the vampire nightclubs, but I’m not sure I’d want to associate myself with this vampire community. I strongly believe I would do a better job of being a vampire in this movie though, so I think I will go with a yes.

Final thoughts?

VB: Is this movie perfect? No. It involves a plan for vampire world domination that entails eliminating all human beings (i.e. their food source??). However, it truly has some very iconic scenes and is definitely a must-watch for any vampire aficionado.

MB: There are too many strange things about this movie for me to say it’s one of the best vampire movies, but it definitely is one of the most iconic. And yes I did rewatch all of the nightclub and party scenes on YouTube.

“Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill”

- XOXO Vera and Mona