Nadja

Could not find a folder icon for this movie. Who even decides which movies get a folder icon or not? Why does original Nosferatu get one and not Nadja? Why are there so many folder icons for random movies??

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: When Mona and I read the premise of this film, we thought to ourselves, “How could we have missed this one? Why have we not watched it already?” Amazon Prime video enthuses “This ultra-hip, post-modern vampire tale is set in contemporary New York City. Members of a dysfunctional family of vampires are trying to come to terms with each other, in the wake of their father's death. Meanwhile, they are being hunted by Dr. Van Helsing and his hapless nephew.” Fun!! Somewhat to our disappointment, most of the dialogue in this movie felt like a boring 60s french art film (nothing against that particular genre was just hoping for some more bloodsucking fun), and the vampirism was incredibly light-handed. This is not to say there were not some good moments, but expect a lot of philosophizing and not a lot of preying on victims.

One thing I did really like is that scenes meant to have a dreamlike feel (to indicate a vision or a trance, or just really thick vampire psychic powers going on) were filmed on a Fisher-Price PixelVision toy camera. Pretty sick.

Mona Bloodstick: Imagine for a moment you are a young human woman. You have been asked out by a young man who you find pretentious but attractive. He has a weird mustache, smokes American Spirits, and describes himself as a cinephile. After your date he invites you over to watch a movie (he calls it a film). Halfway through watching he puts his hand up your shirt. The movie that is playing is Nadja. There will not be a second date.

Yeah I’m pretty 50/50 on this one. I really like the concept, and there is a scene that I really loved (see the sex appeal section) but it made me feel like a different person as I was watching. GREAT soundtrack though. As I write this review I’m considering whether or not Vampyros Lesbos was a better movie. Vampyros Lesbos miiiight be winning.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: One BIG addition made by this movie to the canon of vampire films that I have seen personally is a substantial focus on period blood!!! Honestly worth the watch just for that. In an insane scene that will set your expectations WAY too high for the rest of the movie, Nadja seduces the most stereotypical 90s lesbian you’ve ever seen (yes flannel and a princess Di cut), fingers her, then rubs the period blood dripping off her fingers in and around the girl’s mouth!! Mona and I were SCREAMING. I’m sure she will add her 2 cents on the matter. There’s also another two good scenes revolving around this girl’s period, and it really just made me wonder why no other vampire movies I’ve seen so far have touched on what seems like some really low hanging fruit??

MB: It’s hard to answer this question because I was really confused and the audio track was just slightly off. We have the classic lesbian couple where one woman is blonde and the other brunette. I was impressed by Nadja’s Romanian, but then Edgar started talking and we were back to the first coffin.

Agreed, Vera. Why is period sex not a trope in vampire movies??? Please can we have some more? Why was there not another scene??

Oh also this Nadja was the inspiration for Nadja from the TV show What We Do in the Shadows. Similarities include dark hair, bisexuality, overall sex appeal. In a Nadja v Nadja fight though, TV show Nadja would win no contest.

2: Any good kills?

MB: No, I'm very disappointed. I suppose there could be more kills but it was just so confusing that I couldn’t really tell if people were dying, orgasming, or just being dramatic.

VB: This might be the first movie we’ve reviewed with a resounding no in this category. There were three kills by vampires, and of these, one was done with PixelVision so it was super blurry and vague, and then two of them somehow did not involve the vampire even biting them?? She just did something with her mind I guess, and they fell over bleeding?

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: One of the central conflicts in the movie is Nadja’s repeatedly stated desire to “start fresh”- something she believes she can do now that her father, Dracula, is dead. I’m not entirely sure what she means by this, but it is her core desire; the reason she goes to her brother is so that she can recruit him to start fresh with her as well. During most of the film we see that her vampire life is full of malaise. It feels like vampires are being used as a fairly direct metaphor for rich unsatisfied New York socialites; hanging out in vacant bars and spouting pseudo-philosophical nonsense under a haze of thick cigarette smoke etc etc. In the end we see that she finally attains her goal of “starting fresh” by somehow transferring her consciousness into the human woman her brother marries, and getting to experience life as the human fucking her brother. Idk.

MB: Hey wait, what was the point of the wig reveal???

4: Sex appeal?

MB: Oooooh baby! My brain was confused, but my nether region? Boner mode engaged! I was especially turned on during the period sex scene. There are some very attractive people in this movie. The list of attractive people? Nadja, Cassandra, Lucy, Renfield, Morgue Attendant, and Waitress.

VB: I have two distinct thoughts on the matter. Firstly, Renfield is really hot. Giving early 2000s Tom Hardy realness plus some luxurious hair. My second thought has less to do with actual sex appeal and more with this film’s treatment of vampire relationships. ALL THREE vampires shown in this film (a dismal amount of vampires present in a vampire movie btw) are in relationships with humans!!! As a vampire myself, I am deeply homophobic toward my brethren who mess with humans like that. That is our FOOD!! Ew!!! There has to be something so deeply twisted in Nadja’s family for them to all be sexually attracted to humans.

MB: Ugh, foodfuckers.

hnggg

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: I would love to have period sex with Nadja as long as she keeps my period blood away from my face. But the ending was kinda homophobic so I don’t think so. Also being a vampire in this universe would be so confusing and people would be talking in riddles and stuff. And every time I wanted to eat someone there would be a toy camera shoved in my face. So no.

VB: I’m just really confused about the vampire culture here. First of all, Nadja was villainized by her family as well as vampire hunters, and killed for her sins. But literally what did she do wrong?? She seduced ONE lesbian and had dark designs toward the human her brother was (disturbingly) in love with, and she is seen as so evil even her vampire brother turns against her??? This is some beginner level vampire stuff… I would be afraid to be a vampire in this universe– the cancel culture is STRONG. Also it doesn’t seem like these vampires had literally any friends, not sure if this is indicative of a larger lack of vampire community or if these vampires were just ostracized for being freaks (makes sense given their affinity for humans). Overall it’s a no for me.

Bitch 1 and Bitch 2

Final thoughts?

MB: Overall just kinda meh, cool aesthetic but the black and white camera was doing some heavy lifting.

VB: I think it’s very cool that there is a David Lynch produced vampire movie out there, and I really like the emphasis on period blood. However, in a movie that is mostly about the mood, the mood is not that vampiric. I would not recommend this to someone who wanted to watch a vampire movie, but I would recommend it to someone who wanted something to watch while smoking a lot of cigarettes.

“Some women understand extremes. They understand how to push things to extremes. Life and Death. The moon, the tide, the eternal flow. Women understand that kind of stuff. It’s in their blood. Once a month, their bodies let them know that nature’s one continuous disaster.”

XOXO Vera & Mona

Photos of iPhones to Lust Over

Hi guys, Mona here. Lately I have been very interested in photos of iPhones, iPads, and iPods on Pinterest that are the color red. Vera says it's because I have low iron and need to eat more, but I mostly just tune out her blathering. These are some of my favorite pictures.

v-day (vampire's day)

Hey guys its Vera I'm here to post a vampiric valentines day card I made for my brother in blood, Solomon Vampire (see his guest review of Vampire Hunter D). he really does have rats living in his walls.

was hoping to come up with a vampiric valentines day pun to close this out but sometimes my desires surpass my capabilities! comment down below if you can think of one (.)vv(.)

xoxovera

We Rate Vampiric New Yorker Cartoons

Hey guys Vera and Mona again this time we are rating new yorker vampire cartoons and meditating on their symbolic impact. This is the ONLY blog where real vampires will weigh in on contemporary vampire cartoons.

1. 

Vera: I am a big fan of this, classic rivalry at its best, they are so mad at each other but i can tell they are having fun. The werewolf leg reminds me of my own #noshavenovember.... i guess vampires and werewolves really do have something in common after all (hairy legs) ;)

Mona: UM. These freaks? They are NOT fighting. This is NASTY. Moving on.

2. 

Vera: Interview with a vampire? More like interview with a magician amirite lol. Anyways this is so me in an interview except without the top hat.

Mona: I hope this is nighttime because otherwise interviewing a vampire would be very difficult. I can see how the top hat might offer some protection, but it's silly.

3. 

Mona: You're in for a load of trouble, buddy.

Vera: He is probably watching Youtube Shorts.

4. 

Vera: Lol he is so young i am one thousand years old and I would NEVER play pickleball this younger generation has no sense of dignity,

Mona: What's pickle ball?

5. 

Mona: Where are they meeting that would cause this type of interaction to happen? Plus, doctors are famously atheists and vampires hate apples. unrealistic.

Vera: Me when I am trying to trade an apple for a cross but both me and the guy I'm trading with just got pepper sprayed by an unseen third party.

6. 

Mona: He looks more like Spock than Count Orlok.

Vera: The endless march of days into centuries have left him numb to the seductive call of the telephone.

Hope this helps!

xoxo Vera and Mona

An Exercise in Humility

During a brief Cullen-esque stint as high school students, Mona and I were obligated to take part in a group project: a creative presentation of that vampire classic, Bram Stoker's Dracula. Having labored upon this masterpiece–a fourth-wall breaking performance melding history, humor, and theater–for several long days, we were shocked to find our efforts had resulted in a C-. The logic of this unfair judgement eluded us for years, until our original manuscript was unearthed recently and Mona and I read back through it. It was around page 8 of 15 total pages that we realized maybe our class presentation shouldn't have been like, an hour long. 

We welcome you now to step back into the long-ago days of 2019, pull up a chair in our crowded English Literature class, and imagine it is 8am and your classmates are subjecting you to the longest and worst organized class presentation you've yet to suffer through. 

Click here if you're a masochist

xoxo Vera and Mona