Vamps

Initial thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: Needy and Jenny are back baby! For some reason, they decided to change the first few letters of their names to “Goo” and “Stac”. Also they’re much funnier and have way better chemistry than Needy and Jenny. I've been very excited to watch this movie after my friend Jordemesia "B'loodsucka" Stakeknife recommended it to me.

Vera Bradley: Fangs are in, and being truthful to your friends about your age is out! (And so is murder, apparently 🙄). This movie has really lazy writing but some very fun vibes.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: I’m contemplating adding a “Classic Vampire Tropes” page to our header so we can compare. Anyways, these guys are pretty much your average vampires BUT there are two main differences. They are able to go their whole lives without drinking any human blood. Stacy is flabbergasted by the sight of a dead body. The convenient way out is that vampires can drink animal blood. I’m a bit torn on whether or not to like this. The upside to this is we get great scenes with rat juice boxes, the girls work as exterminators, and all the vampires meet up for Sanguines Anonymous. The downside is these guys are complete and total wimps. They even call themselves wimps.

Spoiler alert; these guys are totally gonna be F-tier vampires. As if never drinking blood isn’t bad enough, they throw in a weird trope where only “stem” vampires can actually turn humans into one of them. No, they don’t talk about where these stem vampires come from. I understand Goo’s explanation on the benefits of stem vampires, but I do not understand why and how these stem vampires came to exist.

VB: This movie was obviously made by non-vampires because why was the hometown soil INSIDE their coffins? Have you ever seen a person get buried with dirt inside their coffin? No tf you haven’t!!! These girls have just been sleeping in dirt for (in Goody’s case) hundreds of years?? The dirt is supposed to be under your coffin, or maybe in a little bag or something, but it makes zero sense to have soil in your coffin.

One other trope note, there was a character who pretended to be a “Psy-vampire” to infiltrate a meeting of Sanguines Anonymous, and while it was just a 10 second gag and not a real thing in this universe, it was a fun precursor to the type of energy vampires we see later in WWDITS. It did make me wonder whether they had watched this.

EDIT 5/12/25:

MB: Yesternight on my moonlit walk I remembered something from this movie. Their big plan to delete all vampires from the jury duty roster revolves around a solar eclipse? But the solar eclipse is really really long. Like REALLY long. This Wikipedia article states that the longest an eclipse can theoretically last is 7 minutes and 32 seconds, and will happen on July 16, 2186. AND that eclipse would only last that long at the exact epicenter. So what gives???

Also there's a really weird bit where they bring in an ancient Kushite vampire and he's white. They talk about how vampires have really pale skin but this is just weird. VAMPIRES HAVE PALE SKIN BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN DRAINED OF BLOOD AND CANNOT GO OUT INTO THE SUN. THEY ARE REANIMATED CORPSES. A black vampire will not become white because they got turned into a vampire. Please see the "Final thoughts" section for this movie's budget so you can see how ridiculously asinine both of these fuckups are. 

2: Any good kills?

MB: Yes, but more in a funny way than a satisfyingly disgusting death. The original Vlad Tepes is here, and I would have loved to see him in action.

VB: I really liked when they cut Sigourney Weaver’s head off with a chainsaw, and then her still-sentient head attached itself to a skeleton before being killed for good.

MB: I also love how terrible the CGI is in that scene.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: I really liked how Goody was at peace with her demise, and why she became a vampire in the first place (to protect her children from a terrible fate of being orphans in the early 19th century). What I hatehatehate about Goody’s demise is that she did it so Stacy could have a baby with her stupid boyfriend! No no no! He is so dumb! He would be a bad father! I had hoped he could be redeemed in the flash-forward scene but unfortunately he’s still an idiot. How could anyone ogle another girl in the presence of Krysten Ritter???

VB: The intro to this movie was such a good comeback to the too-tired angsty vampire trope. Goody lists scores of reasons being a vampire is awesome–so many cool nighttime activities and so much youth to do them with!

However this movie also removes any real drawback to being a vampire, making it far less interesting. The vampire movie/book is reliant on the tension that comes with the idea of eternal life at enormous cost. Without that, it's just a movie about people who can live for a long time if they want.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: Sigh. Alicia Silverstone, Krysten Ritter, and Sigourney Weaver normally have enough sex appeal to combat the worst fashion sins in history, but no amount of sexy women can fight the most egregiously uncomfortable cancer patient/vampire sex (?) scene I’ve ever seen. Maybe I will add a GIF if I feel a little masochistic.

Oh also Stacy wears a dress that hypnotized me and Vera. (Unfortunately, this is the best photo I could find.)

VB: Krysten Ritter was so sexy but alas the sexy sense of danger that comes with sexy vampires was gone because these are the lamest vampires in any fictional canon I have ever seen.

Also yes this movie tried to expend most of its (comedic?) sex appeal on the literal worst movie scene my eyes have ever been subject to, a pseudo pornographic gag in which an old and withered cancer patient tongues a (pretty hot, tbh) horny vampire until his blood turns her into a bimbo, and she’s immediately DTF. Just awful.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: No. But I would like to hang out with Krysten Ritter.

VB: Agreed.

Final thoughts?

MB: I liked it! A bit silly but it was definitely a good time. And I really love how many vampire movies feature a blonde and brunette duo.

I do want to talk a bit about the movie’s budget. IMDB says Vamps had an estimated budget of $16 million. It grossed $548 on opening weekend and grossed $92,748 worldwide. I have a lot of questions.

VB: This movie had some REALLY promising concepts– vampire AA, the use of jury duty to persecute vampires, a unique vampire making system– and then just never fully delivered on them. This movie is a great cure for anyone experiencing imposter syndrome because if this script made it to air, truly anybody can write a movie. (Or act in one- I’ve never seen a less convincing performance of “man finds out his ex girlfriend from 40 years ago is still the same age”). That said I’d still hang out with these divas.

“Well… you got grandpa that time”

-- XOXO Mona and Vera

Nosferatu (2024)

Initial Thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: Is this a good movie? Yes. Is it anything comparable to the original? No. Don’t misunderstand, I did really like this movie, but it just isn’t the cultural phenomenon of the original. 2024’s Count Orlok is very scary, but somehow the suspense and silence of the original makes 1922 terrifying. Something about the grainy camera does the trick for me. 2024 also is not funny. 1922 effortlessly combines humor and horror into a rolling good time. 2024 is too serious. But enough harping on the things that don’t compare to the original. Lily Rose Depp?? I thought she was just a product of nepotism, but she sure proved me wrong!! Every scene where she is tweaking just testifies to her acting ability. I also enjoyed the scenery–very true to the perfection of the original.

I hate to say it, but I do not think Nicholas Hoult was the right choice for this movie. I hate writing that down, because he truly is an amazing actor and also very sexy ngl. But the naivety of the original Fool was an important part, so having his foolishness stripped turns it from, “Geez this guy is a bimbo, of COURSE he would fall for Count Orlok’s plan,” to “seriously?? You really didn’t think anything was up??”.

Vera Bradley: Lily Rose Depp will complicate your feelings on nepo babies in this ambitious take on Murnau’s Nosferatu. Mirroring the original literally shot by shot, Eggers adds depth and dialogue to the wordless classic, but removes all* of the humor. (*Nearly– it was very funny to see Nicholas Hoult sign a contract written entirely in abstract shapes, though the movie didn’t really play it as funny.) Despite this movie’s best efforts to drench itself in dark, serious tones, Mona and I both walked out of the theater agreeing that there just isn’t a way to make vampire movies very scary (an assumption recently challenged by the soon to be reviewed movie Sinners).

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: It’s pretty similar to the original in this regard. One thing I really enjoyed was the way Nosferatu eats his victims: by biting the heart. I never really thought about eating people in that way, and it’s a pretty cool twist on things. Less of a vampire movie trope and more of a horror trope, but I knew from the SECOND children were shown on screen that they were gonna die. The scene of them praying cemented this fact in my head even more. I would have been more surprised if somehow they survived.

VB: I thought it was fascinating the way Eggers made Nosferatu’s hold on Ellen parallel demonic possession. This movie is much closer to the Exorcist than it is to Twilight, which does hold fairly well with the original intent of the vampire myth, and sets it apart from other movies in the canon.

2: Any good kills?

MB: Oh yes. Having Orlok bite the heart leads to a plethora of great kills. Not only good in the omg go vampires way, but also in the cool symbolism way.

VB: 4 months later, the image of a gelatinous soup of tissue and blood bubbling up from Ellen’s chest as Orlok feasts still flashes into my mind, unbidden, and each time I feel a revulsion only paralleled by the sound of nails on a chalkboard. In the 2 minutes it has taken me to write this sentence, thinking of that specific moment, I feel as though my brain has curdled.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: I’m writing this review several months after watching it, so my memory may be a bit hazy. I don’t think it's that much of a big deal? When Depp goes in for her big showdown with Orlok she isn’t afraid of becoming a vampire. Orlok doesn’t really seem to have feelings.

VB: Pretty much the same as the OG (see our review of the 1922 version), seems as though eternal life corrupts your soul in some irreversible way, meaning you don’t really experience eternity as a human.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: Orlok isn’t very sexy, but there is a pass because a large part of the movie centers around sex. Vera and I missed the very beginning scene, so we were unsure of what necessarily attracted her to Orlok in the first place. There is a sex scene between Lily-Rose Depp and Nicholas Hoult, but it’s kind of weird. Not sure how he was instantly raring to go when all Depp was talking about was Orlok.

VB: No sexy vampires in this movie, though there is still a gratuitous dong shot. Of this shot, Eggers said “I was allowed one penis [for] this movie. He rises out of the coffin naked. That in itself is a bit of a phallic act, as is most of everything that Orlok does in the movie.” (Variety interview)

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: I wasn’t particularly keen on being a vampire in this universe in the first place, but Vera has recently made me aware of a certain picture of Nicholas Hoult with Count Orlok’s penis. If becoming a vampire means my penis will be as deformed as his? No thanks!

VB: Similarly to the 1922 version, no thank you. To be a vampire here means to be some amalgamation of a zombie and a demon, which doesn’t sound like that good a time to me.

Final thoughts?

MB: A valiant effort to live up to the original. All in all, a good romp in the hay and a must-watch for anyone whose favorite vampire (for some reason) is Nosferatu.

VB: A fun watch, especially in theaters. It’s always good to see Willem Dafoe (who pulled off one of the best performances in the film, despite being a side character), and I had a good time.

"He'll have no sanctuary at cock crow"

- XOXOXOXO Mona & Vera

Hotel Transylvania

Initial Thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: Bleh bleh bleh! This isn’t quite a vampire-specific movie, but there are plenty of vampires (2) to go around. It is important to see vampires adapted for a variety of audiences. Vampires aren't just for emo teens anymore!

Vera Bradley: Parents just don’t understand- amirite? 218 year old Mavis just wants to see the world, but Adam Sandler won’t stop gaslighting and gatekeeping her. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling kid! (i.e. Mavis falling in love with the first hot backpacker she saw).

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: Interesting take on vampires who can apparently procreate and also grow old–can vampires even turn humans into vampires? Anyways, I’m more concerned about vampires not wanting to drink actual blood and wanting to drink blood substitutes like Blood Gushers. Is this real medical blood substitute? If so, what do vampires even need to power themselves? Also, Drac makes Mavis her favorite food, scream cheese, at some point. So vampires can apparently just eat normal food? These guys are more like goth bat Animorphs than vampires. Still love them though.

VB: Hotel Transylvania makes the obligatory nod to garlic, stakes, and sunlight (I’ll come back to that last one), but what I find the most interesting is its approach to vampire birth and aging. Mavis was ostensibly born a vampire (hello Blade), and seems to grow in human stages, just reallllly stretched out. 218 for her is clearly supposed to parallel a human’s 18, so are 12 human years 1 vampire year? I would be interested in seeing more of this biological system. I think it makes sense, but it’s definitely a little unique in relation to other vampire media (Claudia in IWaV is seething because Mavis gets boobs).

One note on the sunlight thing- yes, vampires are hypersensitive to sunlight, but when Drac is exposed to sunlight for what must be fully an hour, he has zero lasting damage, and his sunburn goes away after literally 10 seconds indoors. Makes sense for a children’s movie though, like I get it.

2: Any good kills?

MB: No, but there are definitely times where certain monsters or humans should have died.

VB: It is really not that kind of movie.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: Completely unbothered. Yes, there is vampire/human conflict, but it is mostly because humans historically didn’t like vampires. I’m actually a bit surprised Mavis isn’t concerned about Johnny’s puny lifespan–maybe this is addressed in one of the more recent movies, but neither of them have any issue with it in this one.

VB: Seems awesome tbh- Drac spent years building a sick hotel so all of his buddies could hang and his daughter could stay safe.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: Thank god Mavis is 218. Babe alert!!!

***SPOILER FOR HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2***

Not much sex or sexiness happening in this movie BUT Hotel Transylvania 2 has the hottest scene involving Drac taking his clothes off and dancing to GDFR.

VB: Arguably one of Adam Sandler’s sexier roles.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: Forget Blade–THIS is the universe I’d wanna be a vampire in.

VB: Emphatic yes. The icing on the cake here are the interspecies relationships– vampires are rubbing elbows with werewolves, frankensteins, and of course the Invisible Man (???). I would absolutely love to chill in a sick-ass monster hotel for a few hundred years.

Final thoughts?

MB: Don’t think too hard and you’ll love it. It’s easy to not think too hard with a movie this fun. While I do prefer Hotel Transylvania 2, I have WAY more questions there. We’ll get into that in the future.

VB: This is a fun watch even as an adult, filled with vampire-y vibes and a mellow plot that prompts questions such as “What happened in this universe to make the invisible man this prominent of a monster?” and “When listing monsters, is the invisible man really the THIRD one that comes to mind?” Though it can get immature at times, in the end this heartwarming movie does a good job of convincing children that the invisible man is on the same level as Frankenstein and Dracula.

"When you bump with the hump, you land on your rump!"

- XoXo Mona & Vera

Blade

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: The first 15 minutes of Blade was the best movie I’ve ever seen, and the rest of it was pretty okay. Two words: Vampire nightclub. Two more words: Blood sprinklers. Despite a tantalizing glimpse into the underground vampire scene, this movie spends its remaining 100 minutes trying (with some success, I will say) to get us onto the side of the vampire hunter, and showing us some lamer vampires.

Mona Bloodstick: Blood, blood, and more blood! Coming straight out of sprinklers all over clubbing vampires. And all that blood went straight to my dick. Nothing beats the blood sprinkler scene. Watching it is like standing on top of Mount Everest while surveying the land below you. Skip mountain climbing, and just watch the first 15 minutes of Blade instead. Can’t quite say the same about the rest of the movie, though.

However, you gotta give Blade credit for the aesthetic. Where producers and scriptwriters failed, lighting, set design, camera crew, costume designers and more WON. Blade is an average looking businessman with a cool haircut and an Armani suit.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: This movie is notable for its skillful handling of what I know to be Mona’s least favorite vampire trope, the self-hating vampire. I think Louis from Interview With a Vampire would really have benefited from watching this movie, because here is a vampire who hates what he has become, and DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! While yes, there are moments of (brief) moping, Blade takes his shredded vampire bod to work, eliminating as many vampires as he can, and utilizing science and technology to repress his urge for blood.

Now, this last note does beg some consideration. Is it cheating for him to have a blood substitute? Honestly, yes; it alters what it means to be a vampire enough that I don’t know that you could call Blade a true vampire. But tbh that is his whole thing- daywalker etc. I do think it is allowable in this case because it allows the movie to explore interesting avenues, but in general it’s not a trope I like.

Now, one bone I have to pick, related to the above point, is the treatment of Blade’s eventual consumption of real blood. At the end of the movie, he is out of serum and about to… die? Faint? Not really sure what would happen, but the point is he needs blood. His girl side-kick willingly offers her blood, and they have an OVERTLY sexual feeding session, climax included. After he consumes the blood he is powerful again and goes to fight, and then basically the end. Now, logistically, I take issue with the fact there isn’t really any difference in his powers or demeanor when he drinks blood vs takes serum. More seriously though, symbolically I take issue with the fact that there are no personal, mental, spiritual etc repercussions here. He has resisted drinking blood for his whole life and finally has blood and its nbd and nothing in the story or in his character arc changes? And also the girl is fully 100% fine despite having clearly been drained of blood down to the last pint. It is very weird and kinda lazy to me.

MB: The vampires in this movie are incredibly weird. Sure, they drink blood, have fangs, and can’t go out in the daylight. OR CAN THEY?? Because apparently if you wear sunscreen with a high enough (but still completely normal) SPF and add a motorcycle helmet, you sure can go outside! These guys are REALLY weird. In this universe, there are vampires that have been changed from humans, and there are pureblood vampires. Of course there is conflict between the two. Don’t even ask me how pureblood vampires work. Isn’t the point of being dead that you cannot create new life?? Pureblood vampires are adults, do they emerge from the womb fully formed?? At least there is none of my least favorite trope, the self-hating vampire.

That being said, Blade’s origin story rocks. Pregnant pureblood vampires don’t make much sense, but a human mother who was bitten by a vampire giving birth to a half-vampire child works very well. Wesley Snipes kills this role. This movie would not be the same without him.

As previously stated, Blade kills with the aesthetics. I can't tell if this is an area where Blade sticks with the original style of Dracula or if Blade set the precedent for this type of vampire aesthetic. Either way, I’m seated.

2: Any good kills?

VB: YES. It is so hard for me to decide which to highlight because there were so many good ones. The one foremost in my mind currently, just for how strange and fucked up it was, is the death of the record keeper, “Pearl”. Steven Norrington (director) and David Goyer (Writer) saw return of the Jedi and boy oh boy did they LOVE Jabba the Hut. “But hmmm…..” (they said to one another, hands clasped and eyes shining) “...What if he was made of human skin and whiny instead of a mafia boss?”

Imagine, if you will, frying a big slug with a magnifying glass in the sun. Now imagine that slug has man boobs and has been stuffed into a basement office, and it’s a vampire-killing flashlight instead of a magnifying glass.

Now imagine two boys kissing (you would). That one was just for fun.

It is worth noting that aside from some specific kill scenes, most vampires turn into a low poly cgi skeleton and combust, video game style. It is interesting to say the least.

MB: I don’t think I can say it any better than Vera. Every kill scene in this movie is like the holy water garlic bathtub scene in the Lost Boys. I can’t describe them, you will just have to watch it yourself. I also strongly wish that Blade had kissed any of the boys in the movie instead of the woman Vera mentions in the Sex Appeal section.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: See Trope section.

MB: Basically “I know my fate and I don’t like it, I’m not gonna be sad and I’m going into action.” HALLELUJAH!

4: Sex appeal?

VB: The sex appeal here is meh (except for the nightclub vampires), but I do want to take a moment to speak about the weird sexual tension between Blade and his mother.

Hmmmmm.

MB: I personally found the sex appeal to be quite strong but weird at certain points. Again with the nightclub vampires!! Love those guys. Obviously, most of the cast is hot, and we see a lot of clubbing vampires, but it just isn’t a whole lot of sexual tension. I don’t want to talk about the scene with Blade and his mom.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

VB: Soft no due to the danger of Blade chasing me down and killing me, and the Jake-Paul-ness of the young vampire community, BUT I will say the vampire nightclubs in this movie make the most compelling argument for being a vampire out of all the movies we have watched so far. If I had to choose a universe at this moment right now, it might be this one, just due to the vampire nightclubs.

MB: Agreed with the vampire nightclubs, but I’m not sure I’d want to associate myself with this vampire community. I strongly believe I would do a better job of being a vampire in this movie though, so I think I will go with a yes.

Final thoughts?

VB: Is this movie perfect? No. It involves a plan for vampire world domination that entails eliminating all human beings (i.e. their food source??). However, it truly has some very iconic scenes and is definitely a must-watch for any vampire aficionado.

MB: There are too many strange things about this movie for me to say it’s one of the best vampire movies, but it definitely is one of the most iconic. And yes I did rewatch all of the nightclub and party scenes on YouTube.

“Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill”

- XOXO Vera and Mona