Need To Post This Before 2025 Over

 Vet and I have been so busy. See this photo to see how busy we’ve been

Blacula

Initial Thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: My first impression is the sound quality is shitty. The absolute creme de la creme of camp. I was very excited to see there is a prominent gay interracial relationship?? Okay William Crain!! 

I was going to write a whole bit about the gay vampire couple (oops maybe spoiler) but someone already did it wayyy better than me. Check it out here. 

Vera Bradley: In a world where vampires are real but they mostly just decrease real estate value, one dumbass girl falls for a man (vampire) who keeps telling her she is the new version of his dead wife, while her bad friends LET her.

This movie actually exceeded my humble expectations; I figured it would have a couple funny scenes but mostly be too long and boring. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was in fact engaged for the whole movie– Mona is correct in labeling this super campy and fun.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: Widow’s peak, creepy laughing, Scientific Investigation Division (kind of like X-Files), a singing trio that warns (Shakespeare anyone?), nightclubs. VAMPIRE IS OK TO WALK IN UNINVITED???

It may be the fact that this is a 70’s movie, but it really reminds me of SNL land shark bits. Similarly to SNL land shark bits, a lot of the acting here feels like really good retro porn. 

VB: In reference to my initial thoughts section, I thought it was really funny that in the intro, when the gay couple looking to buy Dracula’s castle found out that it had belonged to Dracula, they saw this as a negative and tried to argue the price down (which I think they succeeded in maybe?). So canonically vampires are driving real estate value down in this world lol.

I like that this movie has another addition to the world of vampire nightclubs, though in this case it is a human nightclub that a vampire visits. Speaking of vampire visits, this movie BLATANTLY disregards the trope that a vampire must receive an invitation to come in; that bitch is out here entering hella establishments, NO invite.

2: Any good kills?

MB: To be honest no but there are some amazing fight and chase scenes. There are also some scenes that are genuinely scary (I’m looking at you, nurse lady).

VB: Kills are pretty meh tbh but I would say they are superseded in this case by really cool vampire jumpscares. OH also this is less of a kill but when (SPOILER) he kills himself at the end of the film, the practical effects are REALLY cool.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: Blacula is sad and misses his wife but idk if that has anything to do with the curse of eternal existence.

VB: In this movie, Count Blacula has just arisen so he doesn’t really have a sense of his own immortality beyond the loss of his wife, who he immediately replaces. He does (SPOILER) kill himself at the end of the film, unable to reckon with what he has become. Curse-wise, Blacula deals more with the vampiric enslavement of the body and mind than it does with eternal existence.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: This was answered in the first scene. Yes. I could be more explicit here but then I would have to write a whole thesis paper. Honestly they should have named this movie Kissula with all the smooching that goes on. Good to hear a soundtrack that rivals Vampyros Lesbos!

VB: Oh yeah most definitely. Count Blacula is not sexy but most of the other characters are. My favorite character was the girl at the club with the sick camera and a darkroom in her own house, except babe why are you letting light into the darkroom????? That’s my petty grievance a true photographer would never let light into the darkroom. I was baffled.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: Hmm…not really, for the reasons Vera mentioned, but I love everything about the style we see here. If my soul was not destined for damnation, I would imagine my ideal afterlife to be as stylish as this movie.

VB: No I don’t think so, once again we’ve got a two-tiered vampire system so Count Blacula and also Dracula (from intro scene) are “true” vampires, and the ones they turn essentially turn into zombies. I would not want to be a zombie, and I also would not want to be Count Blacula because he doesn’t have any vampire friends.

Final thoughts?

MB: I wanted to watch Scream Blacula Scream because Pam Grier is in it but Vera convinced me that we should watch the original Blacula. Not disappointed in the slightest! I don’t think that we will review Scream Blacula Scream because it has a really bad rating but I will probably watch the Pam Grier scenes.

I am a bit confused by the ending, mostly because it came out of nowhere. Almost like they just decided eh that’s enough, roll credits.

Side note--all vampires are gay except for Solenaya_Voda from Pinterest who has several straight vampire ocs for some reason.

VB: If you are looking for a fun, campy vampire movie, this deserves a watch.

“Hey Danny, take a look at that fag”

XOXO Mona & Vera

Morbus

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: For our optimal viewing pleasure, Mona and I watched the first half hour of this movie, the last 20 minutes, and 5 minutes from the middle. This is MORE than enough to get the gist of the movie. Honestly, the premise of Morbius is pretty smart (which makes sense, as it was a comic first)– a scientist with a blood disease begins researching and experimenting with vampire bats as they have natural anticoagulants, but then green goblins himself into a vampire. However, the execution wasn’t great, and in addition to really cheesy attempts to make the movie seem “cool” in classic Marvel fashion, it felt really boringly predictable.

Mona Bloodstick: Not really any initial thoughts, I have been begging Vera to watch this movie with me for a very long time, in fact since the original immaculate conception of this blog.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: Morbius is kind of like if a vampire was a werewolf. As opposed to a classic vampire, which is a reanimated corpse, he is an animal hybrid that at times is human, and at other times is supernatural. Like I said, interesting concept, meh execution.

MB: I don’t really wanna think about this one, the screen was really dark so I couldn’t really tell what was going on. But Morbius works with mice and stuff a lot, and his friend and him are super weak but also really rich so it’s difficult for me to feel bad for them even though they are in the hospital for weak people.

2: Any good kills?

VB: People definitely died, but it wasn’t that cool.

MB: I think we might have missed a lot of the kills but it’s ok. Jared Leto kills Matt Smith and also his love interest maybe, but maybe not.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: This movie deals more with the curse of bloodlust than of eternal existence.

MB: Hmmhmmhmm. I’m mostly surprised that Jared Leto bore the brunt of this movie while I didn’t even realize the Doctor Who guy was in it. They did a good job with the makeup. With the right makeup anyone can look eternal.

4: Sex appeal?

VB: OMG Jared Leto is so sexy EEEEE he’s so cool and charismatic let’s all join his cult!!!!

MB: Not any visible sex appeal but I was always intrigued by the love interest’s ponytail braid. OUCHIE. She always had that thing on and it made me massage my head.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

VB: No; similarly to Sinners (though it pains me to make the comparison), it makes you just really violent and evil. Also it seems like the process of injecting the serum (how they turn into a vampire in this movie) is suuuuper painful.

MB: Who would I want to be if I was in this movie? I don’t know. Is Morbius even a vampire? Why can he go out in the daylight (at least I think he did, he might have been on the bus)? If I was in a Marvel movie, I would totally want to be Spiderman. I have a Spiderman t-shirt, I used to have two but one got too small for me (boob job).

Final thoughts?

VB: It wasn’t great. There’s no real reason to watch this– the only reason we did was because of our burning passion to watch every vampire movie. That said, it is also not the worst vampire movie I’ve watched, for what that’s worth.

MB: Not as bad a movie as Crash (2004), but horrible compared to Crash (1996).

“And here I thought you were just another jacked up dumbshit”

It's Morbing time, XOXO, Vera and Mona,

Bunnicula

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: I don’t know why I was expecting this to be live action. I don’t know how that would even have worked. But I really had not realized it was animated- what a surprise! This feels like a bootleg Scooby Doo episode- the animation is incredibly similar.

 
Mona Bloodstick: Just like Scooby Doo…and I LOVE Scooby Doo. Cept we’re kind of missing the eye candy (see “sex appeal” section).

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: Some nice classics, with a twist. Bunnicula is part bat, can use telekinesis, and has grave dirt in his coffin. The twist is that he drains vegetables of their juice instead of people of their blood– Bunnicula walked so Marceline could run! Something a little funny though is that through most of the film, all the characters were HORRIFIED about the vegetables being drained of juice– it was an unholy mystery of the gravest importance. But at the end when they decided Bunnicula was not a vampire (he is though), they were all like oh lol he was just eating juice because he is a rabbit. I am so confused– what is the difference???????????

MB: Agree with Vera–great twists on some good classics. The townspeople remind me of various Twilight Zone episodes where they get all freaked out for no reason and then learn a valuable lesson.

2: Any good kills?

VB: Not really, as this is a children’s movie. I will say though, the violent hatred of the townspeople could very well have led to murder (of the lapine variety), who saw a few white tomatoes and within days became convinced that their neighbor’s rabbit was a vampire. I mean they were right, but still ???

MB: Lots of withered vegetables.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: It is not really covered.

MB: Is Bunnicula even immortal?

4: Sex appeal?

VB: Not super applicable here.

MB: No but I do like the Mulder and Scully banter between the dog and cat. Not really sure if that should go in the sex appeal section though :/.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

VB: The mob mentality of the townspeople in this movie have me inclined to say no.

MB: Would I be a bunny vampire or a regular vampire in this universe? I believe that a genie would make me a bunny vampire, so absolutely not.

Final thoughts?

VB: This is a silly spooky kids movie with nice nostalgic Halloween vibes. I do not recommend watching the Youtube version we did that had AI retouched backgrounds though. I would also recommend the book over the movie– tbf I haven’t read it since elementary school, but I remember it being pretty good.

MB: I really enjoyed this movie but I do have one massive issue with it. When the children discover Bunnicula, they find a mysterious note.

The kids are all “omg a mysterious note written in Romanian!! The only part we can make out is Bunnicula!!”. NO. WRONG WRONG WRONG. THAT IS NOT ROMANIAN. To confirm this, I consulted some modern technology, I used a Cyrillic alphabet to identify the letters, and inserted it into a handy online translator. Go on, copy paste into a translator of your choice:

ПОЖМУЙСТА ПОБЕРЕТИТЕ МОЕГО ЗАЙЖИКА ЕГО ЗОВУТ “BUNNICULA„ ОН ОБЕРЕГАЕТ ТЕХ КТО ЕТО АЮЪИТ

And what result do you get?? RUSSIAN. NOT ROMANIAN. Romania stopped using the Cyrillic alphabet in the 1830s!! When Romania DID use Cyrillic, it looked completely different, so the fact that the children immediately thought it was Romanian is crazy. And Bunnicula would not be written that way–that would mean the rabbit’s name is VCIIISCIA. Perfectly incomprehensible. Anyways, please say something in the comment section if you have anything to add to this.

“Hank, what would you do if your neighbors woke you up at 1 am to tell you there was a vampire rabbit in your house?”

XOXO Vera and Mona

Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: Coming from the awful terrible vibes of our last movie, Vampires, this movie was immediately like a reviving draught of fresh blood. The visuals and world building alone make this worth a watch– my eyes were glued to the screen and I enjoyed every second of it. Plot-wise I’d give this a 6 or 7, its a fine plot but nothing incredible, and it often got pretty confusing, but this is a movie that takes its world building and aesthetics seriously in a way that I wish more vampire movies would. I will leave a few examples of the visuals for you below:

Mona Bloodstick: Not really sure what was going on with this movie but it was really awesome. Felt like a really cool dream and I wish I could hang the movie on my wall–so aesthetic.

GUEST STAR Solomon Vampire: Absolutely gorgeous animation and brilliant character designs. You gather a lot about the characters purely by their silhouettes. Also wtf is going on.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: Crosses feature HEAVILY in this movie, and I have to say I love it. We open on throngs of metal crosses inexplicably bending, as an unseen force moves through town. Later, vampire hunters burst onto the scene in a cross-mobile, with their outfits and weapons decorated with crosses as well. This movie, like some others, has a tiered vampire system– there are beautiful deadly intelligent true vampires, and then the ones they turn, who are actually referred to in this movie as zombies, and essentially function as such.

MB: I’ve never EVER seen another movie where the main character vampire hunter who is also a vampire that wears a big hat saves a plucky blond girl with big dreams and even bigger boobs from actual scary vampires. And the fact that the girl’s parents were murdered and she has a whole flashback scene about it?? Never even heard of it! Whoa–D has a guy who lives in his hand that gives him advice and stuff?? And when D gets a little messed up he digs a hole?? AND the vampires fight by cutting into people with their hands??

I'm obviously being facetious here cause I have seen all of these and more in other movies. I had no idea so many vampire and anime tropes would be here! So yes it handled classic vampire tropes really well.

SV: It does a good job incorporating several tropes, such as the lack of reflections and sensitivity to sunlight, while also adding a few new powers like the ability to create objects from bats.

2: Any good kills?

VB: Though we didn’t really see a whooole lot of vampires killing people, I’m a big fan of the vampire hunter energy gun that blasts a hole clean through its targets. I will say, one of the coolest scenes in the movie (SPOILER) is when the ghost of the vampire queen is draining her victims of blood and it trails up to this coffin with her shriveled corpse and she is rejuvenated and just covered in blood.

MB: Sooooo many.

SV: Yeah

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: Surprisingly, these vampires are actually more concerned about their inevitable passing. Their species seems to be slowly dwindling, leading one vampire to say “When the last vampire dies, who will be there to mourn our passing?”. We also see vampire Hunter D make a pact with a (non-vampire) hunter that whoever dies last will bring flowers to the first one’s grave. Vampires are also seen space traveling to this “city of the night”, which could use a little clarification but seems kinda like when the elves in LOTR sail to Valinor.

MB: No whining here! We can obviously see the toll that eternity has taken on these guys.

SV: I think it deals with it well. The main character, D, has clearly been affected by the curse of time and closes himself off to relationships because of it.

4: Sex appeal?

VB: Look, this movie tries to do a sort of proto Edward and Bella thing with the main antagonist– he and this human girl are in love, she eventually asks him to turn her but he couldn’t live with himself if he did, there’s some scenes where he has to hold himself back from biting her, the whole 9 yards– you get it. The thing is, this works in Twilight because Edward is not killing and eating people. In this movie the guy is canonically one of the worst vampires, so it is effectively just a love story about a girl and a serial killer.

Also: Carmilla’s boobs.

MB: Yeah just look at Carmilla (and everyone else in the movie honestly). AWOOGAH.

Side note–I love how they straight up named her Countess Carmilla Elizabeth Bathory. I see you Princess Hatsune Miku Beyonce Knowles-Carter!! (btw I swear up and down Elizabeth Bathory did not do all that stuff).

SV: Yes.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

VB: I would love to exist in this universe in general, it’s got a very cool fantasy/underworld steampunk future vibe going on. Lots of cool biomes I’d love to explore. And yk what those vampires have some very cool castles and carriages. Ah what the hell, why not.

MB: If I were a vampire in this universe I would of course want to be killed by D but he would take one look at me and be like hmmm killing her is beneath me and I would be delegated to one of the lesser vampire hunters. For the vibes? Absolutely. But I would not really want to be a vampire unless I was extremely powerful.

SV: I’d die so fast.

Final thoughts?

VB: If you want to drench yourself in an hour and 45 minutes of gothic bloody futuristic vampire vibes this is the movie for you. The plot is okay but don’t even think about that just look at the screen and think about vampires. Shhhhhhh it’s alright..... Vampires......

MB: Loved it but really confused on the storyline.

SV: Really enjoyable movie that tends to go off the rails. The world-building is spectacular, but don’t expect too much in the writing department.

“You may not care about heat but becoming beef jerky is not a lifelong ambition of mine”

XOXO Vera & Mona, and a huge thank you to our special guest Solomon Vampire!

Bite Me

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: Our generation has been blessed with the gothic genius of one Lauren Lee. Having been blessed to be in her presence I can confirm this film is based off of her real life in which she frequently kills and eats annoying boys.

Mona Bloodstick: A delightful foray into the world of short film! We welcome vampires from all walks of unlife.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: Now, technically this is not explicitly a vampire film- however we did also review Jennifer’s Body on this site and the girls eating boys trope is I think inspired enough from vampiric themes/imagery that it counts.

MB: Although not explicitly vampire, the movie follows pretty closely with vampire canon–I especially appreciated seeing that on the date, our heroine did not eat any food while her date managed to both yap on and on and eat all his food.

2: Any good kills?

VB: Yes- a gross frat boy is mercifully killed and enjoyed for dinner with murderous gusto. Now, we don’t actually see the killing, but it is implied with a satisfying THUMP as the Talking Heads’ “Psycho Killer” begins to play (the song blended perfectly with this scene it was very awesome). The one thing I think could have made this better would have been more blood tbh– I would have loved to see some blood splatters on the baddie who dispatched that douchebag, and maybe more on their plates. However I am a glutton for fake blood, and I will also say that having seen some behind the scenes, the making of the fake meat was impressive enough as it is.

MB: Sometimes less is more. I loved the transition to the eating scene.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: Again technically these are not explicitly vampires, but if they were I think they’d spend their eternity ridding the world of asshole men one at a time.

MB: They seem cool with it, like they have an apartment and everything (that seemingly belongs to them).

4: Sex appeal?

VB: Yes duh. The whole film is hinging on our protagonist using her sexuality like an anglerfish’s lantern to lure men to their demise.

MB: Oh yes indeedy.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

VB: We only see a snippet of the lives of these women but yeah I’m down to hang

MB: Yes but only if I am still a girl and not a dumb frat boy.

Final thoughts?

VB: Impeccable vibes from a short film that gives the awesome aesthetic of girls eating boys without the moralizing tone of Jennifer’s Body. Let them eat men!!!!!! -Lauren if she was Marie Antoinette.

MB: Beautiful and would love to see more forms of short film.

Would this face eat you?

“I’m picking up dinner!”

xx- Mona and Vera

Vampire$ (John Carpenter)

Iconic scene that gets you all riled up for an otherwise shitty movie.

Initial Thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: What would Blade say? This movie is a cautionary tale on how NOT to write a macho vampire hunter. Our leading vampire hunter, Jack Crow, is detestable. He’s a massive cunt, and not in the asshole-who-secretly-has-a-heart-of-gold way. It’s not that deep, he’s just rude on every level. And no offence to his actor, James Woods, who looks average (but actually full offence I hate him so much), but Jack Crow is not giving sexy asshole. It’s giving Rude Tim Allen Home Improvement who is wearing dollar store sunglasses inside again.

Tim Allen

Rude Tim Allen

Then we have Rude Tim Allen’s best buddy Anthony Montoya. I don’t like him either. Imagine a class clown from an 80’s movie who never grew up and is now pushing forty but still can’t control himself on the rare occasion he sees a pair of boobs. He sucks. The other two members of the cast are slightly more interesting. We have the Hot Fruity Priest, and soon-to-be vampire Katrina (more on her later). Hot Fruity Priest is a beta cuck, and Katrina’s actress is the only person in this movie who actually knows how to act.

So yeah, didn’t like it very much. I wasn’t the biggest fan of Blade, either, but I would rather watch the entire trilogy than have to watch this one again. Blade would call Jack Crow a suckhead and run off with Katrina. And don't even get me started on what Buffy would get up to...

Vera Bradley: A vampiric twist on the time-old message that it’s okay to be a little gay, so long as you also beat women.

I had optimistically high hopes for this movie after reading two sentences of a review that mentioned it was a western-style vampire movie. Perhaps I should have read the rest of the review, where maybe it would have been mentioned that this movie is not good. This is the movie your middle school bully (in the 80s) snuck into and based his personality on - just a circlejerk of big macho men slapping women around and calling each other gay.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: The vampires in this movie (like every other character) were largely flat, but the film did offer one surprisingly interesting gem of lore: the first vampire was created by the Catholic Church in an exorcism gone wrong. Now, this is actually a super cool origin story, one which you think would be fleshed out maybe with a look at some secret underground Catholic society, or an entirely original set of vampire hunting methods etc. However it actually culminates in the one of the dumbest plot points I’ve yet to see in a vampire movie, where one of the heads of the Catholic Church agrees to do another exorcismic ritual on the original vampire, making him a daywalker, in exchange for…… being turned into a vampire. Now, I may be just one humble vampire, but it feels like anyone with two braincells might wonder hmm could he not get literally any other vampire to turn him??? Two other people in this movie turn into vampires without even trying. Why would he need to bring about human apocalypse (the presumed intention of allowing vampires to walk in the sun) for such a paltry reward? Surely he could strike a much smaller deal with another vampire, maybe bring him a few tasty priests as a bribe? Anyways this plot point is really dumb and the whole Catholic setup is very disappointing– nothing is dug into its just a couple catholic guys being sneaky and that’s the whole conspiracy.

One other note trope-wise is that the vampires are OP in a strange way- they aren’t thaaat good at fighting, but they are suuuuuper hard to kill. Bullets do nothing to them (which doesn’t stop every vampire hunter from carrying a bunch of guns??), and the only way to kill them seems to be harpooning them then dragging them into sunlight.

MB: If you’ve ever watched a trailer for this movie, you will know that Rude Tim Allen has a famous line where he says real vampires are nothing like the ones in the movies. Except, like, they’re exactly like they are in every other movie. Really, the only difference between these vampires and most other vampires we’ve reviewed is they can go inside places without having to be invited.

Let’s backtrack a little here. Opening scene shows a crowd of characters raiding a vampire nest. Pretty compelling cast, they seem interesting enough, I’m curious about them. They kill the vampires, blah blah blah. Skip to the after party with prostitutes and beer (apparently all the payment they want? Incredibly fitting for vampire killers associated with the Catholic Church *rolls eyes*). Our main vampire, Valek (a Marvel movie Loki looking motherfucker), shows up, hesitates at the door for a moment, and then just waltzes right in. Me and Vera are SCREAMING. HE CANNOT DO THAT. Vampires CANNOT go inside without being invited. It’s one of the most fundamental rules of vampirism. We kept waiting for someone to explain this away, but it never came.

Side note and spoiler (if you really want to watch this shitty movie) – Loki kills everyone at the party except for Rude Tim Allen, Anthony, and Katrina. This was a bit of a confusing move because they did try and give the opening cast a bit of personality. It set the scene for a cool southwest vampire movie. And then….they just die. I’m not gonna complain that much (I bet there would be even more woman-beating if they lived) but it’s just a strange direction for the movie to take, especially as the crew is composed of the only non-white characters of any relevance.

I did really love the Catholic aesthetic though, every vampire movie needs a lot of that.

2: Any good kills?

VB: There were some pretty good kills in the beginning of the movie though it gets old pretty fast. I do really like that the vampires use their hands as weapons– they flatten their hands and it basically is a knife? They’re just cutting into people like butter, no knife necessary.

MB: I too am a big fan of the hand cutters. There really weren’t too many good kills in this movie though, which is disappointing because I was kind of expecting a lot of good deaths. There’s a weird scene where Rude Tim Allen has to go back and cut apart the bodies of everyone at the beer and prostitutes party, and even that wasn’t very good.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: It doesn’t really get into it tbh.

MB: There are people who really really want eternal existence with no regard for how badly it’ll mess with them.

4: Sex appeal?

VB: No. I will use this section, however, to explain in great detail me and Mona’s theory that the main character is canonically in love with the hot priest.

First, I will build the foundation of my argument with evidence that the main character (Jack) is in fact gay. I believe this to be true because every single time he meets a new male character in this movie, he creates a narrative about them being gay– often commenting directly on their sexual desire for him specifically. In psychology we would call this “projection”. I’m telling you, he does this legit every time he meets a new man.

Now that I’ve laid my framework, I will move onto his relationship with the hot priest.

First of all, I want to note that the priest is specifically very hot– the only man in this movie, in fact, who could be described as hot. Furthermore, he is given no female love interest. The ONLY person he interacts with more than a few words is our main character. If his primary relationship is with our macho vampire hunting male lead, why would he need to be classically beautiful? It’s because they are in love.

Moving on to more explicit hints at their relationship, I call forth what I believe to be the apex of their romantic arc: the unsaid “I love you.” Now, leading up to the final vampire fight scene, the vampire hunters were trying to capture vampires from a rundown prison. In order to do this, they had to use someone as bait– the priest. In making this choice we see a lot of resistance from Jack, who, despite it being super obvious the bait would have to be the priest, wants to find another way. Finally, right before the priest walks off to become bait, Jack stops him, looks down, hesitates, and says “Padre…” – The priest cuts him off, saying simply “I know.” Jack exhales, collecting himself as the priest leaves. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you what other phrase would be left unsaid in the gravity of this moment, aside from “I love you”? This moment has so many film and literary parallels, to the point that it can be safely implied it was canonically meant to be interpreted as a confession of love.

Finally I will mention that, in addition to the multiple times Jack passionately pins the priest up against things (it happens at least twice), he also asks the priest if his doing so gave him a BONER. This question is then repeated, this time as a familiar inside joke, at the end of the film, as Jack and the priest walk off into their future together as partners in vampire hunting (and love).

MB: UGH. Hello, we are macho macho men and therefore we must slap around our half vampire bitch kidnapping victim. Oh also we have to tie her up and remove her clothes for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. Seriously, why couldn’t they have come up with a better way to get Katrina naked??

Anyways, Vera covered the parts about Hot Fruity Priest and Rude Tim Allen, so I get to be the bad cop and talk about how John Carpenter thinks that you gotta beat up a bitch to make her “fall in love” with you. Now, I haven’t read the book, so maybe there was some tension here that didn’t translate well to the screen, but to a humble screenwatcher such as myself, there was absolutely ZERO attraction coming from Katrina onto Anthony Montoya.

Yes, you heard that right–the creators of this shitty movie decided to force a romance between a kidnapped prostitute and the guy who beats her up all the time. We aren’t just talking about slapping her around a little, he and Rude Tim Allen legit throw her on the ground and punch her. Rude Tim Allen wants to keep her around because she has a mind link with her vampire master. Katrina has 48 hours before she succumbs to her vampiric instincts. And yes, they do explain this in the most egregious display of exposition I’ve seen in ANY movie.

As soon as Katrina showed up, I was waiting for her to kill Anthony. I got super excited at the end, when it looked like she was finally gonna rip his throat out. Instead, she gets distracted, he gets away, we have a weird scene where Anthony and Rude Tim Allen talk about their stupid rules (there are so many things wrong with this movie, I’m not even gonna talk about those stupid rules), and Anthony leaves with Katrina in the back of his truck. Right before they head off into the sunrise, we get a horrible scene where Anthony and Katrina are supposed to engage in a passionate first kiss, but KATRINA’S ACTRESS IS LITERALLY BACKING AWAY FROM HIM. It reads exactly as the situation is, a kidnapping victim who has to kiss her kidnapper. Even Katrina running off with Anthony Montoya reads as creepy, because like what else is she gonna do, stick around and get caught in the sunlight?? Katrina’s actress gave easily the best performance in this movie, and I think it’s because she knows how fucked up this whole thing is.

Seriously, if there’s any romance in this movie, it’s between Rude Tim Allen and Hot Fruity Priest. In fact, I think the relationship between Anthony and Katrina is so horrible that the juxtaposition makes Rude Tim Allen and Hot Fruity Priest seem even more believable.

Also, people have BEEN noticing. I found this hilarious fanfiction from 2002 while researching. Not sure why anyone would expend energy writing something for this asinine movie, but here it is if you wanna check it out. 

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: In the beginning death scene, one of the vampires makes a noise like Jar Jar’s death scream from LEGO Star Wars the Complete Saga. One time I made a noise like that so it’s kind of like I’m already a vampire in this universe.

Otherwise, nah. But I’m on Katrina’s side for absolutely everything.

VB: This would be such a lame universe to be a vampire in. We do not really get a glimpse into the vampire world but it seems to me they just live in run-down buildings wearing sackcloth outfits like members of a really poor cult. They also never talk; they're just there to jump out at the hunters every so often. There was one vampire baddie though with suuuuch a cute outfit (bc she was a “Master”) I will try to find a photo and attach it here.

This is not a great image of it but trust

 

Final thoughts?

VB: Mona and I have watched plenty of sub-par vampire movies at this point, and with nearly every sign-off I’ve added the caveat that, despite its questionable contribution to the canon of vampiric film, it was still a fun watch. This movie is not a fun watch. I knew from the first 2 minutes that it was not going to be a fun watch, and it remained, throughout its entirety, not a fun watch.

There is genuinely nothing about these characters to intrigue– they are neither hot, nor filled with interesting conflict, nor do they have relationships to each other that compel me to continue watching. They are so mind-numbingly flat, that the only way to continue watching is to make up fake backstories/alternate plotlines for them in your mind. Here is one I came up with:

Now, there is one moment in this movie, at the very end, that almost has the potential to capture my interest. (SPOILER AHEAD) Jack’s former vampire hunting partner has been bitten, and is quickly turning. In a moment of grace, Jack tells him he will give him two days lead before hunting him down, in return for the two days his partner had been bitten but still protected him. The two of them have a pain-filled exchange in which Jack promises to hunt him down and find him, wherever he is. This is the only real relational tension I felt in the entire movie. I think a FAR greater premise for a western-style vampire movie, even with these same characters, would be a hardened vampire hunter on a journey to find and kill his former partner, who is on the run to Mexico with his vampire girlfriend. To me this is so much more compelling than “the master vampire is going to turn into a daywalker because the cardinal wanted to be a vampire.” I actually think this would be a fantastic movie idea so if any of our dear readers work for a movie production studio, I am available for meetings.

MB: Just like, don’t watch it. It’s not a good movie. In my opinion it’s actually the worst movie we’ve reviewed.

“Vaya con Dios, slayer”

–xxx, Mona and Vera

Roc Steady (Music Video)

Initial Thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: Was watching music videos on YouTube when this little ditty showed up. Beautiful!

Vera Bradley: Would not have initially realized this music video was vampiric so shout out to Mona for passing this my way. Deliciously bloody.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: With lots of callbacks to Jennifer’s Body. Love seeing the classic trope of a man-eating vampire make a return. I do have a small issue though–it looks like the vampires can go outside in the daylight? When the cheerleaders were practicing in the gym, I couldn’t tell if it was daytime or just flood lights shining through the windows. Then the camera panned to Megan dancing outside. Wish she was only able to walk around in the dark; there is a delicate balance between under and overpowered vampires.

VB: Definitely drawing heavy inspiration to Jennifer’s Body, love the lasting impact of hot girls eating boys. Definitely a bit light on classic vampire tropes, seems like a bit of a daywalker situation– also they didn’t have fangs, which isn’t an absolute dealbreaker for me but definitely contributed to the lighthandedness in terms of the vampiric aesthetic.

2: Any good kills?

MB: I imagine the kills were delicious but we don’t really see them, only the aftermath. The aftermath is pretty good (victims artfully covered in blood in very interesting places) but leaves much to be desired. However, I understand that the producers probably couldn’t portray an extremely graphic kill scene for the sake of YouTube.

VB: The kills we do see are nice and bloody; I imagine a good amount of the budget was spent on fake blood which, as I always tell Mona, is an important marker to me of the quality of the vampire movie. There were only like 2 or 3 kills though, I really would have liked to see an escalation throughout the video culminating in like, all the boys being eaten. It read more like day in the life of a vampire practicing moderation, which is also pretty fun though tbh.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: It is not addressed but I doubt Megan or Flo are too bothered by it.

VB: Be sexy eat boys, repeat.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: To the extreme. Need to see more vampires shaking ass in other media. Nosferatu, take notes.

VB: A top contender among the other media we’ve reviewed.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: Absolutely and I wouldn’t mind being a victim either.

VB: Yes please.

Final thoughts?

MB: Playboi Carti has rebranded himself as a vampire. Why does he have no music videos about vampires?

VB: More vampire music videos please.

Had to stick this folder icon in here for the theme

"Throwin' blue hundreds in the club, democratic (money)"

~ XOXO Mona & Vera

Renfield

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: I don’t have much to say other than that Nic Cage pulled off a wonderfully campy (and well-researched) Dracula, to which I tip my enormous top hat. I did not care at all about the plot. This movie tried to do the same thing Nosferatu 2025 later did, using vampires to create a larger metaphor about toxic relationships. However, while Nosferatu was pretty successful in this, Renfield couldn’t figure out whether it was a comedy or a serious movie, and ultimately took the plot in an unconvincing and sappy direction. The characters can’t be truly funny because the movie takes them too seriously, and they ultimately have to learn a (sappy) real life lesson in the end. There are a lot of promising gags in this movie (Dracula’s familiar going to group for people in toxic relationships??) that would have done better in a show/movie like WWDITS, which does not take its characters seriously, and lets viewers extrapolate whatever “lessons” they will.

Mona Bloodstick: The thing is…after watching Sinners (review incoming btw) every vampire movie feels cold and empty. There were a lot of good things here, however. I did really like Nicholas Hoult and Nicholas Cage here.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: Interesting bug power trope, Nicholas Hoult has to eat bugs and then he gets all powerful. I’ve never heard of this trope before, it must have been inspired by Nicholas Hoult’s real life bug powers.

MB: It’s pretty classic, especially considering the source material. I really liked Dracula’s den.

2: Any good kills?

VB: It was suuuuuper gory but in like a saturated, crayola-box kinda way. It wasn’t dark or anything because it was all obviously meant to be unrealistic. I do think the blood was CGI which detracts from the magic, but did allow them to create that super ridiculous effect.

MB: Lots of very messy kills. Nothing that impressive, but still a good amount for your average vampire movie.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: I feel like Renfield is kind of resigned to his fate? He’s kinda just chill with it. Eating bugs doesn’t seem to bother him until other people point it out.

VB: Renfield is more concerned with the violence he is perpetuating than his prolonged existence, and Dracula is A-ok with living forever.

4: Sex appeal?

VB: Nah. Even Ben Schwartz doesn’t do it for me in this.

MB: Absolutely none. And I am choosing to ignore that comment on your lust for Ben Schwartz, Vera. There are several scenes regarding aforementioned toxic relationship help group, which could have led to an interesting dynamic between Dracula and Renfield (à la the WWDITS TV show). Not sure why they neglected this bit in favor of giving Awkwafina and Ben Schwartz boring backstories.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

VB: Inconclusive: we are only introduced to Dracula, who I def wouldn’t hang out with, but it is possible there are other pockets of the vampire community not explored in this film.

MB: Not really, but as a fan of bugs, I wouldn’t mind taking on a Renfield type role.

Final thoughts?

VB: It’s not the worst vampire movie, and it is at times funny. It just misses the mark for me.

MB: Blah blah blah.

“I wish to spend a season in hell, where all the amusing people are”

--XOXO Vera and Mona

Sinners

Initial Thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: I would need an angel’s pen to write about this movie. Um. It was amazing. Easily the best movie we’ve reviewed so far. If you aren’t interested in reading the whole review, it’s basically just going to be me talking about how great it was. Seriously. It was like going to a hamburger restaurant expecting a decently tasty burger and getting the most delicious wagyu steak (at least, I think, I don’t eat human food). Every movie I’ve watched since this one feels empty. It’s not quite as fun to write or read a review that’s just deepthroating the movie so here’s the TL;DR: it was soooo good. Easy 11/10 or even higher rating. Go watch it right now, preferably in theaters with the volume turned up to maximum.

Vera Bradley: Were God to bless a golden harp with the magic of speech, it could not sing the praises of Sinners in a beautiful enough voice. Accordingly, my review can do nothing but fall short. However, I shall try with what little eloquence has been granted me to convey a glimmer of the vampiric genius that is Sinners.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: You wouldn’t think that the “can’t let a vampire in unless they are invited” trope would work so well, but it absolutely does. Even the silly parts of vampire tropes are emphasized in a way where you start thinking these guys are actual threats and not just the guy on your cereal box. These guys are SCARY.

VB: I will follow Mona in singing the praises of this inspired use of the “must be invited in” trope. I have never seen this trope used to such fantastic effect– usually it is skipped over or used as a comedic bit, but in Ryan Coogler’s hands it becomes a frighteningly suspenseful and at times downright scary plot device. I don’t want to reveal too much but dammit every time a vampire stood at the door with a friendly smile on their face (which was a LOT!) I got shivers down my spine.

Another trope used to great effect, which I haven’t really seen before, was the hive-mind. The vampires all become mentally interconnected, leading to a cult-like change of personality in each victim. This was super fascinating and tied in well to the greater themes of the movie.

One other note is I was really interested in the refraction time of the vampires. The victims almost instantly became vampires, despite being TORN tf up. The combination of this with the hive-mind meant that victims turned on their friends instantly, which created a totally different vampire world than I’ve seen in other movies.

2: Any good kills?

MB: Every kill is good. Even the ones where no vampires are involved.

VB: The kills in this movie were perfectly gruesome: the vampires feed more like zombies than vampires which is really fun.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: Very well.

VB: Eternal existence is not a central issue in this movie.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: SO MUCH!!!! I’m only gonna talk about the one vampire sex scene though. Sammy walks in on Hailee Steinfeld riding Michael B Jordan and goes to get backup. When he comes back with blue hat Michael B, they realize SHE IS EATING HIM!!! She gets off of him, says oops, and then runs away. I’m gagged.

Blue and red hat Michael B are amazingly sexy. There is one thing that I could not just get out of my mind, though. For those of our readers who are familiar with the hit children’s tv show My Little Pony, there is a pair of dapper twins named Flim and Flam.

Blue and red hat Michael B are basically these guys, just way cooler and not horses. Also I have recently discovered blinkie generators. If you guys like the blinkies, please let us know.

VB: I think Mona pretty much covered it, so I will just add a resounding “ditto”.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: YES. But only if I was a free vampire. And if I got to live through the eighties.

VB: Hmmm probably not… The thing is being a vampire in this universe means you get absorbed into the hive mind, then you get crazy aggro, zombie-style. These vampires are kind of a mix of vampires and zombies, in that they seem to have zero impulse control: if a human is in their reach they can’t stop themselves from chowing down.

Final thoughts?

MB: Oh my Satan that was so good.

VB: I had literally zero expectations going in, and I left with literal tears in my eyes it was so good. You gotta watch this.

"You've been robbing banks & trains… you can't take this pussy for one night?"

--XOXO Mona and Vera

Happy Pride Month and an Update

Hello dear readers! Mona here. You may have noticed that Vera and I have not posted in quite a while. For the entire month of May, in fact. This is because we watched Sinners together and have been in a stupor ever since. We speak of its wonders every time we meet to subjugate the blood of a virgin. Rest assured, we have some great content coming up, maybe even featuring a guest star. 

Please enjoy this photo of Vera and I with our pal Steven. 

Vamps

Initial thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: Needy and Jenny are back baby! For some reason, they decided to change the first few letters of their names to “Goo” and “Stac”. Also they’re much funnier and have way better chemistry than Needy and Jenny. I've been very excited to watch this movie after my friend Jordemesia "B'loodsucka" Stakeknife recommended it to me.

Vera Bradley: Fangs are in, and being truthful to your friends about your age is out! (And so is murder, apparently 🙄). This movie has really lazy writing but some very fun vibes.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: I’m contemplating adding a “Classic Vampire Tropes” page to our header so we can compare. Anyways, these guys are pretty much your average vampires BUT there are two main differences. They are able to go their whole lives without drinking any human blood. Stacy is flabbergasted by the sight of a dead body. The convenient way out is that vampires can drink animal blood. I’m a bit torn on whether or not to like this. The upside to this is we get great scenes with rat juice boxes, the girls work as exterminators, and all the vampires meet up for Sanguines Anonymous. The downside is these guys are complete and total wimps. They even call themselves wimps.

Spoiler alert; these guys are totally gonna be F-tier vampires. As if never drinking blood isn’t bad enough, they throw in a weird trope where only “stem” vampires can actually turn humans into one of them. No, they don’t talk about where these stem vampires come from. I understand Goo’s explanation on the benefits of stem vampires, but I do not understand why and how these stem vampires came to exist.

VB: This movie was obviously made by non-vampires because why was the hometown soil INSIDE their coffins? Have you ever seen a person get buried with dirt inside their coffin? No tf you haven’t!!! These girls have just been sleeping in dirt for (in Goody’s case) hundreds of years?? The dirt is supposed to be under your coffin, or maybe in a little bag or something, but it makes zero sense to have soil in your coffin.

One other trope note, there was a character who pretended to be a “Psy-vampire” to infiltrate a meeting of Sanguines Anonymous, and while it was just a 10 second gag and not a real thing in this universe, it was a fun precursor to the type of energy vampires we see later in WWDITS. It did make me wonder whether they had watched this.

EDIT 5/12/25:

MB: Yesternight on my moonlit walk I remembered something from this movie. Their big plan to delete all vampires from the jury duty roster revolves around a solar eclipse? But the solar eclipse is really really long. Like REALLY long. This Wikipedia article states that the longest an eclipse can theoretically last is 7 minutes and 32 seconds, and will happen on July 16, 2186. AND that eclipse would only last that long at the exact epicenter. So what gives???

Also there's a really weird bit where they bring in an ancient Kushite vampire and he's white. They talk about how vampires have really pale skin but this is just weird. VAMPIRES HAVE PALE SKIN BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN DRAINED OF BLOOD AND CANNOT GO OUT INTO THE SUN. THEY ARE REANIMATED CORPSES. A black vampire will not become white because they got turned into a vampire. Please see the "Final thoughts" section for this movie's budget so you can see how ridiculously asinine both of these fuckups are. 

2: Any good kills?

MB: Yes, but more in a funny way than a satisfyingly disgusting death. The original Vlad Tepes is here, and I would have loved to see him in action.

VB: I really liked when they cut Sigourney Weaver’s head off with a chainsaw, and then her still-sentient head attached itself to a skeleton before being killed for good.

MB: I also love how terrible the CGI is in that scene.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: I really liked how Goody was at peace with her demise, and why she became a vampire in the first place (to protect her children from a terrible fate of being orphans in the early 19th century). What I hatehatehate about Goody’s demise is that she did it so Stacy could have a baby with her stupid boyfriend! No no no! He is so dumb! He would be a bad father! I had hoped he could be redeemed in the flash-forward scene but unfortunately he’s still an idiot. How could anyone ogle another girl in the presence of Krysten Ritter???

VB: The intro to this movie was such a good comeback to the too-tired angsty vampire trope. Goody lists scores of reasons being a vampire is awesome–so many cool nighttime activities and so much youth to do them with!

However this movie also removes any real drawback to being a vampire, making it far less interesting. The vampire movie/book is reliant on the tension that comes with the idea of eternal life at enormous cost. Without that, it's just a movie about people who can live for a long time if they want.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: Sigh. Alicia Silverstone, Krysten Ritter, and Sigourney Weaver normally have enough sex appeal to combat the worst fashion sins in history, but no amount of sexy women can fight the most egregiously uncomfortable cancer patient/vampire sex (?) scene I’ve ever seen. Maybe I will add a GIF if I feel a little masochistic.

Oh also Stacy wears a dress that hypnotized me and Vera. (Unfortunately, this is the best photo I could find.)

VB: Krysten Ritter was so sexy but alas the sexy sense of danger that comes with sexy vampires was gone because these are the lamest vampires in any fictional canon I have ever seen.

Also yes this movie tried to expend most of its (comedic?) sex appeal on the literal worst movie scene my eyes have ever been subject to, a pseudo pornographic gag in which an old and withered cancer patient tongues a (pretty hot, tbh) horny vampire until his blood turns her into a bimbo, and she’s immediately DTF. Just awful.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: No. But I would like to hang out with Krysten Ritter.

VB: Agreed.

Final thoughts?

MB: I liked it! A bit silly but it was definitely a good time. And I really love how many vampire movies feature a blonde and brunette duo.

I do want to talk a bit about the movie’s budget. IMDB says Vamps had an estimated budget of $16 million. It grossed $548 on opening weekend and grossed $92,748 worldwide. I have a lot of questions.

VB: This movie had some REALLY promising concepts– vampire AA, the use of jury duty to persecute vampires, a unique vampire making system– and then just never fully delivered on them. This movie is a great cure for anyone experiencing imposter syndrome because if this script made it to air, truly anybody can write a movie. (Or act in one- I’ve never seen a less convincing performance of “man finds out his ex girlfriend from 40 years ago is still the same age”). That said I’d still hang out with these divas.

“Well… you got grandpa that time”

-- XOXO Mona and Vera

Nosferatu (2024)

Initial Thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: Is this a good movie? Yes. Is it anything comparable to the original? No. Don’t misunderstand, I did really like this movie, but it just isn’t the cultural phenomenon of the original. 2024’s Count Orlok is very scary, but somehow the suspense and silence of the original makes 1922 terrifying. Something about the grainy camera does the trick for me. 2024 also is not funny. 1922 effortlessly combines humor and horror into a rolling good time. 2024 is too serious. But enough harping on the things that don’t compare to the original. Lily Rose Depp?? I thought she was just a product of nepotism, but she sure proved me wrong!! Every scene where she is tweaking just testifies to her acting ability. I also enjoyed the scenery–very true to the perfection of the original.

I hate to say it, but I do not think Nicholas Hoult was the right choice for this movie. I hate writing that down, because he truly is an amazing actor and also very sexy ngl. But the naivety of the original Fool was an important part, so having his foolishness stripped turns it from, “Geez this guy is a bimbo, of COURSE he would fall for Count Orlok’s plan,” to “seriously?? You really didn’t think anything was up??”.

Vera Bradley: Lily Rose Depp will complicate your feelings on nepo babies in this ambitious take on Murnau’s Nosferatu. Mirroring the original literally shot by shot, Eggers adds depth and dialogue to the wordless classic, but removes all* of the humor. (*Nearly– it was very funny to see Nicholas Hoult sign a contract written entirely in abstract shapes, though the movie didn’t really play it as funny.) Despite this movie’s best efforts to drench itself in dark, serious tones, Mona and I both walked out of the theater agreeing that there just isn’t a way to make vampire movies very scary (an assumption recently challenged by the soon to be reviewed movie Sinners).

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: It’s pretty similar to the original in this regard. One thing I really enjoyed was the way Nosferatu eats his victims: by biting the heart. I never really thought about eating people in that way, and it’s a pretty cool twist on things. Less of a vampire movie trope and more of a horror trope, but I knew from the SECOND children were shown on screen that they were gonna die. The scene of them praying cemented this fact in my head even more. I would have been more surprised if somehow they survived.

VB: I thought it was fascinating the way Eggers made Nosferatu’s hold on Ellen parallel demonic possession. This movie is much closer to the Exorcist than it is to Twilight, which does hold fairly well with the original intent of the vampire myth, and sets it apart from other movies in the canon.

2: Any good kills?

MB: Oh yes. Having Orlok bite the heart leads to a plethora of great kills. Not only good in the omg go vampires way, but also in the cool symbolism way.

VB: 4 months later, the image of a gelatinous soup of tissue and blood bubbling up from Ellen’s chest as Orlok feasts still flashes into my mind, unbidden, and each time I feel a revulsion only paralleled by the sound of nails on a chalkboard. In the 2 minutes it has taken me to write this sentence, thinking of that specific moment, I feel as though my brain has curdled.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: I’m writing this review several months after watching it, so my memory may be a bit hazy. I don’t think it's that much of a big deal? When Depp goes in for her big showdown with Orlok she isn’t afraid of becoming a vampire. Orlok doesn’t really seem to have feelings.

VB: Pretty much the same as the OG (see our review of the 1922 version), seems as though eternal life corrupts your soul in some irreversible way, meaning you don’t really experience eternity as a human.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: Orlok isn’t very sexy, but there is a pass because a large part of the movie centers around sex. Vera and I missed the very beginning scene, so we were unsure of what necessarily attracted her to Orlok in the first place. There is a sex scene between Lily-Rose Depp and Nicholas Hoult, but it’s kind of weird. Not sure how he was instantly raring to go when all Depp was talking about was Orlok.

VB: No sexy vampires in this movie, though there is still a gratuitous dong shot. Of this shot, Eggers said “I was allowed one penis [for] this movie. He rises out of the coffin naked. That in itself is a bit of a phallic act, as is most of everything that Orlok does in the movie.” (Variety interview)

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: I wasn’t particularly keen on being a vampire in this universe in the first place, but Vera has recently made me aware of a certain picture of Nicholas Hoult with Count Orlok’s penis. If becoming a vampire means my penis will be as deformed as his? No thanks!

VB: Similarly to the 1922 version, no thank you. To be a vampire here means to be some amalgamation of a zombie and a demon, which doesn’t sound like that good a time to me.

Final thoughts?

MB: A valiant effort to live up to the original. All in all, a good romp in the hay and a must-watch for anyone whose favorite vampire (for some reason) is Nosferatu.

VB: A fun watch, especially in theaters. It’s always good to see Willem Dafoe (who pulled off one of the best performances in the film, despite being a side character), and I had a good time.

"He'll have no sanctuary at cock crow"

- XOXOXOXO Mona & Vera