Renfield

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: I don’t have much to say other than that Nic Cage pulled off a wonderfully campy (and well-researched) Dracula, to which I tip my enormous top hat. I did not care at all about the plot. This movie tried to do the same thing Nosferatu 2025 later did, using vampires to create a larger metaphor about toxic relationships. However, while Nosferatu was pretty successful in this, Renfield couldn’t figure out whether it was a comedy or a serious movie, and ultimately took the plot in an unconvincing and sappy direction. The characters can’t be truly funny because the movie takes them too seriously, and they ultimately have to learn a (sappy) real life lesson in the end. There are a lot of promising gags in this movie (Dracula’s familiar going to group for people in toxic relationships??) that would have done better in a show/movie like WWDITS, which does not take its characters seriously, and lets viewers extrapolate whatever “lessons” they will.

Mona Bloodstick: The thing is…after watching Sinners (review incoming btw) every vampire movie feels cold and empty. There were a lot of good things here, however. I did really like Nicholas Hoult and Nicholas Cage here.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: Interesting bug power trope, Nicholas Hoult has to eat bugs and then he gets all powerful. I’ve never heard of this trope before, it must have been inspired by Nicholas Hoult’s real life bug powers.

MB: It’s pretty classic, especially considering the source material. I really liked Dracula’s den.

2: Any good kills?

VB: It was suuuuuper gory but in like a saturated, crayola-box kinda way. It wasn’t dark or anything because it was all obviously meant to be unrealistic. I do think the blood was CGI which detracts from the magic, but did allow them to create that super ridiculous effect.

MB: Lots of very messy kills. Nothing that impressive, but still a good amount for your average vampire movie.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: I feel like Renfield is kind of resigned to his fate? He’s kinda just chill with it. Eating bugs doesn’t seem to bother him until other people point it out.

VB: Renfield is more concerned with the violence he is perpetuating than his prolonged existence, and Dracula is A-ok with living forever.

4: Sex appeal?

VB: Nah. Even Ben Schwartz doesn’t do it for me in this.

MB: Absolutely none. And I am choosing to ignore that comment on your lust for Ben Schwartz, Vera. There are several scenes regarding aforementioned toxic relationship help group, which could have led to an interesting dynamic between Dracula and Renfield (à la the WWDITS TV show). Not sure why they neglected this bit in favor of giving Awkwafina and Ben Schwartz boring backstories.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

VB: Inconclusive: we are only introduced to Dracula, who I def wouldn’t hang out with, but it is possible there are other pockets of the vampire community not explored in this film.

MB: Not really, but as a fan of bugs, I wouldn’t mind taking on a Renfield type role.

Final thoughts?

VB: It’s not the worst vampire movie, and it is at times funny. It just misses the mark for me.

MB: Blah blah blah.

“I wish to spend a season in hell, where all the amusing people are”

--XOXO Vera and Mona

Sinners

Initial Thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: I would need an angel’s pen to write about this movie. Um. It was amazing. Easily the best movie we’ve reviewed so far. If you aren’t interested in reading the whole review, it’s basically just going to be me talking about how great it was. Seriously. It was like going to a hamburger restaurant expecting a decently tasty burger and getting the most delicious wagyu steak (at least, I think, I don’t eat human food). Every movie I’ve watched since this one feels empty. It’s not quite as fun to write or read a review that’s just deepthroating the movie so here’s the TL;DR: it was soooo good. Easy 11/10 or even higher rating. Go watch it right now, preferably in theaters with the volume turned up to maximum.

Vera Bradley: Were God to bless a golden harp with the magic of speech, it could not sing the praises of Sinners in a beautiful enough voice. Accordingly, my review can do nothing but fall short. However, I shall try with what little eloquence has been granted me to convey a glimmer of the vampiric genius that is Sinners.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: You wouldn’t think that the “can’t let a vampire in unless they are invited” trope would work so well, but it absolutely does. Even the silly parts of vampire tropes are emphasized in a way where you start thinking these guys are actual threats and not just the guy on your cereal box. These guys are SCARY.

VB: I will follow Mona in singing the praises of this inspired use of the “must be invited in” trope. I have never seen this trope used to such fantastic effect– usually it is skipped over or used as a comedic bit, but in Ryan Coogler’s hands it becomes a frighteningly suspenseful and at times downright scary plot device. I don’t want to reveal too much but dammit every time a vampire stood at the door with a friendly smile on their face (which was a LOT!) I got shivers down my spine.

Another trope used to great effect, which I haven’t really seen before, was the hive-mind. The vampires all become mentally interconnected, leading to a cult-like change of personality in each victim. This was super fascinating and tied in well to the greater themes of the movie.

One other note is I was really interested in the refraction time of the vampires. The victims almost instantly became vampires, despite being TORN tf up. The combination of this with the hive-mind meant that victims turned on their friends instantly, which created a totally different vampire world than I’ve seen in other movies.

2: Any good kills?

MB: Every kill is good. Even the ones where no vampires are involved.

VB: The kills in this movie were perfectly gruesome: the vampires feed more like zombies than vampires which is really fun.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: Very well.

VB: Eternal existence is not a central issue in this movie.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: SO MUCH!!!! I’m only gonna talk about the one vampire sex scene though. Sammy walks in on Hailee Steinfeld riding Michael B Jordan and goes to get backup. When he comes back with blue hat Michael B, they realize SHE IS EATING HIM!!! She gets off of him, says oops, and then runs away. I’m gagged.

Blue and red hat Michael B are amazingly sexy. There is one thing that I could not just get out of my mind, though. For those of our readers who are familiar with the hit children’s tv show My Little Pony, there is a pair of dapper twins named Flim and Flam.

Blue and red hat Michael B are basically these guys, just way cooler and not horses. Also I have recently discovered blinkie generators. If you guys like the blinkies, please let us know.

VB: I think Mona pretty much covered it, so I will just add a resounding “ditto”.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: YES. But only if I was a free vampire. And if I got to live through the eighties.

VB: Hmmm probably not… The thing is being a vampire in this universe means you get absorbed into the hive mind, then you get crazy aggro, zombie-style. These vampires are kind of a mix of vampires and zombies, in that they seem to have zero impulse control: if a human is in their reach they can’t stop themselves from chowing down.

Final thoughts?

MB: Oh my Satan that was so good.

VB: I had literally zero expectations going in, and I left with literal tears in my eyes it was so good. You gotta watch this.

"You've been robbing banks & trains… you can't take this pussy for one night?"

--XOXO Mona and Vera

Happy Pride Month and an Update

Hello dear readers! Mona here. You may have noticed that Vera and I have not posted in quite a while. For the entire month of May, in fact. This is because we watched Sinners together and have been in a stupor ever since. We speak of its wonders every time we meet to subjugate the blood of a virgin. Rest assured, we have some great content coming up, maybe even featuring a guest star. 

Please enjoy this photo of Vera and I with our pal Steven.