Vampire Kiss

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: This was a roller coaster of a movie, I’ll say that much. Nic Cage’s classic overacting feels trite and out of place for the first half of this movie, but the twist around the halfway mark will have you wondering if it is actually genius. More on that later but I was genuinely thinking about this movie for days. I have not watched American Psycho, but with my layman's knowledge of the themes involved I have to say this movie feels very much like a proto-American Psycho, seeing as it came out before the book was even released. I think American Psycho worked better, but the genuine attempt to use vampires (and psychosis) as a metaphor for the megalomaniacal misogyny of the white collar playboy is pretty impressive, regardless of how C-tier the movie itself actually is.

Mona Bloodstick: This movie was crazyyyy. Jennifer Beals and Nick Cage in a movie together?? I will say, I was extremely comfortable sitting in my chair and I did sleep through some large parts of it. But not Nicholas Cage’s amazing acting. 

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: Yes to bats, bloodsucking, and vampire’s thrall: all very run of the mill. However, the other vampire tropes used in this movie are a bit different to those in other vampire movies due to the plot twist revealed midway. SPOILER THIS IS A BIG SPOILER SO IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE TWIST RUINED LOOK AWAY: Nic Cage’s character is under the psychotic delusion that he has been made a vampire, leading to increasingly erratic behavior and hallucinations throughout the film. Suddenly the strange overacting and egotistical explosions make SO much more sense: he doesn’t seem strange just to the viewer, but also to those around him! He is not doing a bad job of acting like he’s been turned into a vampire in the movie, he is doing a bad job of acting like he’s been turned into a vampire to his coworkers! It is as if he read the classic WikiHow article “How To Make Your Friends Think You Are a Vampire” at the tender age of 30 something. SO: considering this, the tropes are a bit different, as he is not really a vampire. I think the best inversion of tropes here is when he looks in the bathroom at work and hallucinates that he is not there. The viewer can see him, but this does not stop him from crying out “Oh! I’ve become one 😫 a vampire 😭” , annoying his coworker shitting in the stall over. Another good inversion of vampire tropes here is when he goes to the Chinese Medicine shop (??) to buy fangs, but he cannot afford the nice quality realistic ones so he buys the cheap plastic ones people give out on Halloween, and then he somehow eats a whole live pigeon with them in.

MB: Nicholas Cage is a piece of work. He is a classic dickhead vampire. It is like he is going through My Chemical Romance’s song Vampires Will Never Hurt You except he is not really a vampire and is actually tweaking tf out. There are scenes where he goes to see a therapist except it’s likely just happening in his head. Nicholas Cage WISHES he was Tony Soprano. 

2: Any good kills?

VB: The ending was pretty crazy: Mona and I were both jaw-dropped at the final kill. Nic Cage’s abused subordinate’s brother goes to his apartment to beat him up/kill him, but instead of using a gun (which he has), he takes a splintered 2 by 4 and jams it straight into Cage’s chest. The special effects here were cool because that board went in like he was made of cake. I will say though, while shocking in a supremely effective way, I was a little unsatisfied with this kill thematically. I wish the kill had been done by the female subordinate Cage had abused (trigger warning: rape), thus solidifying his metaphorical destruction by his complex about women. Having her brother do it just felt a little disjointed.

MB: Yeah, like Vera said; the only really good kill was the final “vampire” kill. Nic Cage does kill someone towards the end of the movie but it’s actually kind of unbelievable. He uses his human teeth to bite a woman’s neck. I really doubt this as only my expert vampire teeth can properly penetrate the delicate skin of a human’s throat to render them dead. 

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: The least of worries for Nicholas Cage.

VB: It does not really come up.

4: Sex appeal?

VB: This movie is HORNY. In one of the first scenes you see Nic Cage fully licking a woman’s nipple. Just a few minutes later he gets super turned on by this bat that bites him. As opposed to the repressed sexual frustration of Twilight, however, this movie deals with sex as part of the basis for our protagonist’s psychological disbalance. 

MB: Yes at least Nicholas Cage has excellent taste in women. 

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: Satan almighty no.

VB: No lol

Final thoughts?

VB: I’d be lying if I said this movie was one of the best out there; it is weird and at times a bit boring, and none of the characters are especially interesting. However the plot structure is quite unique, and once you make it through the first half you are in for a WILD ride: some truly insane shit goes down in the second half, weird enough to make it totally worth it. Some truly stellar moments from Nic Cage as his psychosis devolves into a full raving homicidal meltdown. I genuinely don’t know how much credit to give this movie; whether it is purposely meta in the way it feels like a run of the mill bad movie in the beginning before the reveal of what is really happening reorients all that bad acting and cliche set-up, or if they just stumbled into something that worked by throwing enough batshit insanity at the wall. Either way, I’d say this is worth a watch.

MB: After my little nap I woke up and was shocked by the direction this movie took. I did not think the cast had it in them. And really the ending scene was especially amazing.

"You’re breaking up with me after I sucked that broad bone-dry??"

~xoxo, vera + mona

 Let the Right One In

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: Mona and I were ready to watch a critically acclaimed vampire film after the many middling movies we’ve watched, and this one received a solid recommendation from my film-bro brother in blood, Solomon Vampire (for more from him, check out our review of Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust). It was a good film, the acting was great, some good vampire stuff in there, but it did just lack that special something that makes me love a vampire movie.

Mona Bloodstick: This is a FILM. This is not a “movie”. It was good. I would read a great newspaper article about it. Would I watch it again? Probably not. But yes, it was critical.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: This movie had a very interesting interpretation of vampire tropes. I really liked how the vampire child was an immortal child. That is a nice trope we often see. Apparently there’s a book which delves more into specific tropes which were not as visible in the film, as it would otherwise have become very long. 

VB: I loved the insight this movie gave to the “no coming in without an invite” trope; our protagonist asks the vampire to show him what happens if she comes in without an invite, leading to one of the cooler scenes in the movie, where she begins to spout blood from every orifice. Nice. There is also a good scene where a recent convert kills herself by opening the windows, and goes up in a very impressive bout of flames.

2: Any good kills?

VB: It’s hard being a vampire in the suburbs! This movie takes an interesting angle to the routine murder vampires need for survival, showing us how hard it actually is to kill so many people. Neighbors are nosy, and teenagers are harder to lure to their death than you might imagine. One thing that kind of perplexed me throughout the movie, however, was how careless and incompetent both our vampire and her familiar are when it comes to murder. I was actually convinced until very late in the movie that this must be a brand-new vampire who hadn’t gotten the hang of things yet, but this was not the case! Her familiar is hanging victims up to bleed out on commonly used jogging paths and tying high schoolers up in the gym while their friends wait outside?? Just baffling.

MB: I kinda did like the kills, I thought they were alright. One of the dead bodies was found in the ice weeks later which was cool. The deaths that happened felt very real in a way other vampire movies don’t truly achieve, and their full impact is felt as it plays out in the community over time. Also very gruesome. 

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: With a nuanced complexity that someone a little more invested in this movie than I would no doubt have many thoughts on.

MB: I really liked the ending scene, where both child characters go on a train together. On one hand, you could see it as “true friendship/love” as they escape into the world together, but on the other hand, it seems as though the main vampire has just recruited this human boy to become her new familiar, resigning him to the same fate as the older familiar she had in the beginning of the movie.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: There was a very uncomfortable scene in this movie which did not necessarily need to be in it in order to further the plot. 

VB: The main characters are kids (“kid” in the case of our vampire), but apparently in the book this movie was based on, the child-sized vampire was in a sexual relationship with her pedophilic older familiar. I really wish Mona hadn’t looked that one up.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: Meh… probably not. I really need a vampire community to be happy, and that does not seem like it is really happening here.

VB: As mentioned earlier, this movie really serves to show how much it sucks (ha) to be a vampire in the suburbs. No thank you also I don’t want to live in Sweden.

Final thoughts?

MB: That scene where the father has a man show up with some vodka and his son got really sad, and American audiences assumed the boy was homophobic and his dad was gay but in Sweden it just read as run of the mill alcoholism….. Lol. Also we had a real Swedish man give us his thoughts here and confirm that yes it was absolutely meant to indicate his dad was an alcoholic. Just thinking about that.

VB: It’s objectively a good film. And it is about vampires. But idk, there was nothing about this that I LOVED.

Nadja

Could not find a folder icon for this movie. Who even decides which movies get a folder icon or not? Why does original Nosferatu get one and not Nadja? Why are there so many folder icons for random movies??

Initial Thoughts?

Vera Bradley: When Mona and I read the premise of this film, we thought to ourselves, “How could we have missed this one? Why have we not watched it already?” Amazon Prime video enthuses “This ultra-hip, post-modern vampire tale is set in contemporary New York City. Members of a dysfunctional family of vampires are trying to come to terms with each other, in the wake of their father's death. Meanwhile, they are being hunted by Dr. Van Helsing and his hapless nephew.” Fun!! Somewhat to our disappointment, most of the dialogue in this movie felt like a boring 60s french art film (nothing against that particular genre was just hoping for some more bloodsucking fun), and the vampirism was incredibly light-handed. This is not to say there were not some good moments, but expect a lot of philosophizing and not a lot of preying on victims.

One thing I did really like is that scenes meant to have a dreamlike feel (to indicate a vision or a trance, or just really thick vampire psychic powers going on) were filmed on a Fisher-Price PixelVision toy camera. Pretty sick.

Mona Bloodstick: Imagine for a moment you are a young human woman. You have been asked out by a young man who you find pretentious but attractive. He has a weird mustache, smokes American Spirits, and describes himself as a cinephile. After your date he invites you over to watch a movie (he calls it a film). Halfway through watching he puts his hand up your shirt. The movie that is playing is Nadja. There will not be a second date.

Yeah I’m pretty 50/50 on this one. I really like the concept, and there is a scene that I really loved (see the sex appeal section) but it made me feel like a different person as I was watching. GREAT soundtrack though. As I write this review I’m considering whether or not Vampyros Lesbos was a better movie. Vampyros Lesbos miiiight be winning.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: One BIG addition made by this movie to the canon of vampire films that I have seen personally is a substantial focus on period blood!!! Honestly worth the watch just for that. In an insane scene that will set your expectations WAY too high for the rest of the movie, Nadja seduces the most stereotypical 90s lesbian you’ve ever seen (yes flannel and a princess Di cut), fingers her, then rubs the period blood dripping off her fingers in and around the girl’s mouth!! Mona and I were SCREAMING. I’m sure she will add her 2 cents on the matter. There’s also another two good scenes revolving around this girl’s period, and it really just made me wonder why no other vampire movies I’ve seen so far have touched on what seems like some really low hanging fruit??

MB: It’s hard to answer this question because I was really confused and the audio track was just slightly off. We have the classic lesbian couple where one woman is blonde and the other brunette. I was impressed by Nadja’s Romanian, but then Edgar started talking and we were back to the first coffin.

Agreed, Vera. Why is period sex not a trope in vampire movies??? Please can we have some more? Why was there not another scene??

Oh also this Nadja was the inspiration for Nadja from the TV show What We Do in the Shadows. Similarities include dark hair, bisexuality, overall sex appeal. In a Nadja v Nadja fight though, TV show Nadja would win no contest.

2: Any good kills?

MB: No, I'm very disappointed. I suppose there could be more kills but it was just so confusing that I couldn’t really tell if people were dying, orgasming, or just being dramatic.

VB: This might be the first movie we’ve reviewed with a resounding no in this category. There were three kills by vampires, and of these, one was done with PixelVision so it was super blurry and vague, and then two of them somehow did not involve the vampire even biting them?? She just did something with her mind I guess, and they fell over bleeding?

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: One of the central conflicts in the movie is Nadja’s repeatedly stated desire to “start fresh”- something she believes she can do now that her father, Dracula, is dead. I’m not entirely sure what she means by this, but it is her core desire; the reason she goes to her brother is so that she can recruit him to start fresh with her as well. During most of the film we see that her vampire life is full of malaise. It feels like vampires are being used as a fairly direct metaphor for rich unsatisfied New York socialites; hanging out in vacant bars and spouting pseudo-philosophical nonsense under a haze of thick cigarette smoke etc etc. In the end we see that she finally attains her goal of “starting fresh” by somehow transferring her consciousness into the human woman her brother marries, and getting to experience life as the human fucking her brother. Idk.

MB: Hey wait, what was the point of the wig reveal???

4: Sex appeal?

MB: Oooooh baby! My brain was confused, but my nether region? Boner mode engaged! I was especially turned on during the period sex scene. There are some very attractive people in this movie. The list of attractive people? Nadja, Cassandra, Lucy, Renfield, Morgue Attendant, and Waitress.

VB: I have two distinct thoughts on the matter. Firstly, Renfield is really hot. Giving early 2000s Tom Hardy realness plus some luxurious hair. My second thought has less to do with actual sex appeal and more with this film’s treatment of vampire relationships. ALL THREE vampires shown in this film (a dismal amount of vampires present in a vampire movie btw) are in relationships with humans!!! As a vampire myself, I am deeply homophobic toward my brethren who mess with humans like that. That is our FOOD!! Ew!!! There has to be something so deeply twisted in Nadja’s family for them to all be sexually attracted to humans.

MB: Ugh, foodfuckers.

hnggg

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: I would love to have period sex with Nadja as long as she keeps my period blood away from my face. But the ending was kinda homophobic so I don’t think so. Also being a vampire in this universe would be so confusing and people would be talking in riddles and stuff. And every time I wanted to eat someone there would be a toy camera shoved in my face. So no.

VB: I’m just really confused about the vampire culture here. First of all, Nadja was villainized by her family as well as vampire hunters, and killed for her sins. But literally what did she do wrong?? She seduced ONE lesbian and had dark designs toward the human her brother was (disturbingly) in love with, and she is seen as so evil even her vampire brother turns against her??? This is some beginner level vampire stuff… I would be afraid to be a vampire in this universe– the cancel culture is STRONG. Also it doesn’t seem like these vampires had literally any friends, not sure if this is indicative of a larger lack of vampire community or if these vampires were just ostracized for being freaks (makes sense given their affinity for humans). Overall it’s a no for me.

Bitch 1 and Bitch 2

Final thoughts?

MB: Overall just kinda meh, cool aesthetic but the black and white camera was doing some heavy lifting.

VB: I think it’s very cool that there is a David Lynch produced vampire movie out there, and I really like the emphasis on period blood. However, in a movie that is mostly about the mood, the mood is not that vampiric. I would not recommend this to someone who wanted to watch a vampire movie, but I would recommend it to someone who wanted something to watch while smoking a lot of cigarettes.

“Some women understand extremes. They understand how to push things to extremes. Life and Death. The moon, the tide, the eternal flow. Women understand that kind of stuff. It’s in their blood. Once a month, their bodies let them know that nature’s one continuous disaster.”

XOXO Vera & Mona

Photos of iPhones to Lust Over

Hi guys, Mona here. Lately I have been very interested in photos of iPhones, iPads, and iPods on Pinterest that are the color red. Vera says it's because I have low iron and need to eat more, but I mostly just tune out her blathering. These are some of my favorite pictures.

v-day (vampire's day)

Hey guys its Vera I'm here to post a vampiric valentines day card I made for my brother in blood, Solomon Vampire (see his guest review of Vampire Hunter D). he really does have rats living in his walls.

was hoping to come up with a vampiric valentines day pun to close this out but sometimes my desires surpass my capabilities! comment down below if you can think of one (.)vv(.)

xoxovera

We Rate Vampiric New Yorker Cartoons

Hey guys Vera and Mona again this time we are rating new yorker vampire cartoons and meditating on their symbolic impact. This is the ONLY blog where real vampires will weigh in on contemporary vampire cartoons.

1. 

Vera: I am a big fan of this, classic rivalry at its best, they are so mad at each other but i can tell they are having fun. The werewolf leg reminds me of my own #noshavenovember.... i guess vampires and werewolves really do have something in common after all (hairy legs) ;)

Mona: UM. These freaks? They are NOT fighting. This is NASTY. Moving on.

2. 

Vera: Interview with a vampire? More like interview with a magician amirite lol. Anyways this is so me in an interview except without the top hat.

Mona: I hope this is nighttime because otherwise interviewing a vampire would be very difficult. I can see how the top hat might offer some protection, but it's silly.

3. 

Mona: You're in for a load of trouble, buddy.

Vera: He is probably watching Youtube Shorts.

4. 

Vera: Lol he is so young i am one thousand years old and I would NEVER play pickleball this younger generation has no sense of dignity,

Mona: What's pickle ball?

5. 

Mona: Where are they meeting that would cause this type of interaction to happen? Plus, doctors are famously atheists and vampires hate apples. unrealistic.

Vera: Me when I am trying to trade an apple for a cross but both me and the guy I'm trading with just got pepper sprayed by an unseen third party.

6. 

Mona: He looks more like Spock than Count Orlok.

Vera: The endless march of days into centuries have left him numb to the seductive call of the telephone.

Hope this helps!

xoxo Vera and Mona

An Exercise in Humility

During a brief Cullen-esque stint as high school students, Mona and I were obligated to take part in a group project: a creative presentation of that vampire classic, Bram Stoker's Dracula. Having labored upon this masterpiece–a fourth-wall breaking performance melding history, humor, and theater–for several long days, we were shocked to find our efforts had resulted in a C-. The logic of this unfair judgement eluded us for years, until our original manuscript was unearthed recently and Mona and I read back through it. It was around page 8 of 15 total pages that we realized maybe our class presentation shouldn't have been like, an hour long. 

We welcome you now to step back into the long-ago days of 2019, pull up a chair in our crowded English Literature class, and imagine it is 8am and your classmates are subjecting you to the longest and worst organized class presentation you've yet to suffer through. 

Click here if you're a masochist

xoxo Vera and Mona 

We Rate Pictures of Vampires

 Hey guys its Vera here today me and Mona will be rating pictures of vampires we found on the internet based on how much we like them and also we will be deciding if they are real.

Picture #1:

Vera: I like this guy a lot I think he is definitely a real vampire.

Mona: He borders on werewolf-ish, but the thing is that vampires do kind of draw a fine line between vampire and wolf, because wolves do have very vampire-ish tendencies and vampires have very wolf-ish tendencies. It makes me wonder... are we that different, really? And also I like the smoke in the background.

Picture #2:

Mona: Makes me feel like an orphan, gazing into the eyes of tha last creature i see. Again with the werewolves, a full moon in the background.... how different are we...?

Vera: He reminds me of Gerard Way.

Picture #3:

Vera: This vampire did throw me off a bit at first, because why does he seem avoidant of the bat? That made no sense so at first I thought he wasn't a real vampire. But then I thought maybe it is his roommate and they are having an argument and he is being really annoying or something. So I think this one is real.

Mona: Reminds me of the man in the moon, who IS a vampire. I don't know how to feel about the blood droplet on his napkin. The shade of the blood in his cup is different than the shade of blood on his napkin... hmmmm. I do think he's real, but I have some questions.

Picture #4:

Vera: I do not think this vampire is real. Only girl vampires can have septum piercings, also if he is so well groomed why would he leave blood on his face?

Mona: He definitely has Alexandria's genesis. Not a vampire.

Picture #5

Vera: This vampire is sooooo scary. 100% real.

Mona: He has a red tie: he has freshly eaten. Very clean.

Picture #6:

Vera: 3 baddies having a meal. so real.

Mona: This is really cute. I like how well they are sharing without fighting. I like that they're eating out of a frisbee, too.

Picture #7:

Mona: Gary Oldman if he was stretched out a little more, and was evil. Only on the right hand side though. On the left hand side so sexy and kind.

Vera: Mar-A-Lago face for vampires. Sad trend :(

Hope this helps!

xoxo~ Vera and Mona