Interview with the Vampire (movie)

Initial Thoughts:

Vera Bradley: Tom Cruise, I didn’t know you had it in ya.

Brad Pitt sucks the life out of this vampiric series of unfortunate events, while Tom Cruise puts on airs I’d never dreamed him capable of (gayness-wise).

There are two types of vampire movies: those told from the human perspective, and those told from the vampire perspective. Those told from the human perspective view the vampire as an insidious scourge, their detachment from human mortality a hallmark of their cruelty and sadism. Vampires eating people is bad, and no matter how sexy the vampires are, they must eventually be stopped. Vampire movies told from the vampire perspective, on the other hand, don’t engage with the morality of their actions in the same way. After all, lions don’t cry about the lost future of the antelopes they kill, they just enjoy their lunch. (This format is the highly superior, in my opinion). This movie is a human perspective movie masquerading as a vampire perspective movie. What could be a fun vampire lark is instead two hours of bitching and moaning from the least interesting character in the whole movie.

This movie could have been greatly improved by following Tom Cruise’s character, Lestat, rather than Brad Pitt’s character, Louis. Louis is supposedly special because he kept his human “soul”, or morality, through his hundreds of years being a vampire. Everyone fawns over him and falls in love with him for being a vampiric unicorn. The thing is, despite every other character telling us that he is so special and so human, the film never actually shows this. He was angsty about feeding on humans at first but eventually accepted its necessity to his survival, making the only evidence of his “human soul” his pissy mood for all 2 hours of the movie. Lestat, on the other hand, was a sadistic joy to behold, his final 2 minutes on screen nearly redeeming the dull preceding hour.

Mona Bloodstick: I know this movie was not meant to be funny. In fact, the writers must have taken funny bone suppressants, restraining themselves from anything remotely resembling a joke. Still, I couldn’t help myself from laughing at how seriously these vampires take themselves. Where the script lacks, Tom Cruise and Kirsten Dunst bust their chops successfully carrying the movie with the tips of their fangs. Notice I left out a certain third leading actor who goes by the name of Brad “Doe-eyed Mary Sue” Pitt. He could be replaced with a bloodless corpse that has an immovable mouth and there would hardly be a difference.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

VB: This movie contains strong vampire tropes, placing them central to the plot in some instances: there are key vampire deaths caused by exposure to the sunlight as well as burning. Coffins are stated to be necessary to sleep in, though it is not explained why, which honestly confused me a bit. Some tropes are dismissed, such as garlic, crucifixes, and stakes to the heart. There are even some tropes introduced I hadn’t been aware of, like the blood of the already dead being poison to vampires. I found the human vs animal blood treatment acceptable; vampires can drink animal blood for a while but it is really no sustainable substitute, unlike some media which makes it a loophole.

MB: They are pretty classic vampires, but they do not seem to have as many weaknesses as other iterations. Crucifixes or silver do not harm them, but sunlight and fire are big issues. And they dress just like your classic vampires with classic vampire locks. There is extreme homosexual subtext which is also fitting within the vampire canon.

One thing this movie could have benefited from is more lore. Are there only vampires and humans? Is the dad from Spy Kids really the oldest vampire at only 400 years old? Mary Sue is seen watching the original Nosferatu which blew my mind. Do you understand the implications?!?! There has to be some vampire that knows another vampire that knows something.

2: Any good kills?

VB: Most human kills are made to be kinda depressing/sympathetic, so while they were satisfyingly heavy on the drama and blood department, they were also pretty heart-wrenching. There were some good vampire kills as well though.

MB: YES. These vampires are killers through and through. There are so many victims, human, animal, and vampire. The human killing scenes are incredibly well done, but the vampire killings are incredible. Would have loved to see a full on vampire fight sans the goofy flying.

3: How do they deal with the curse of eternal existence?

VB: By fucking DWELLING on it. Louis mopes around for 200 years and concludes that his life is empty. Talk about a cyclical thought process- dude needs a therapist. I will say there is a nice dialectic set up here with Lestat and Louis as each other’s foils, but rather than highlighting the contrast to its full effect, most of the movie is devoted to Louis’ lame vibes. Lestat has embraced his vampiric identity, understanding that a vampire’s gotta do what a vampire’s gotta do.

MB: Horribly–or at least Mary Sue does. Tom Cruise seems to have reached the acceptance stage of the grief process, if he had any grief in the first place. Mary Sue does not crack a smile once throughout the two hours this movie runs. I might feel a twinge of sympathy for him had he not asked Tom Cruise to turn him into a vampire. For the love of Dracula, you asked him!! AND if you are so sick of being a vampire, there are easy enough ways to end things!! Him feeding on rats and other creatures is so annoying. Stop acting like a goddamn monk.

Thankfully, Mary Sue isn’t the only vampire. While I may not be pleased with how they spend their time, the other vampires appear to be at peace with their state of undead. Kirsten Dunst is an exception to this. I will give her a pass, because she seems most annoyed that she was turned into a vampire as a child and not as a grown woman with boobs. I too would be pretty annoyed if that was my fate. If not for the last scene in the movie, I would be very annoyed with the way the writers handle vampirism. Tom Cruise tells his hapless human victim what we all have been thinking; he’s sick of listening to Mary Sue’s whining for 200 years! I am a bit more interested in hearing his side of things.

4: Sex appeal?

VB: Yes sir. If you had told me that there would be a movie in which I was more attracted to Tom Cruise than Brad Pitt, I would have been quite surprised. Yet here is that very movie. Tom Cruise has somehow transformed himself from the straightest man I can imagine, a cult member with republican vibes to boot, into this delightful anime prince! He accomplishes a believable transition from the human into the monstrous, toying with Lestat and finishing off whores with the same dangerous but alluring glint in his eyes. As Taylor Swift once said, “Baby I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.”

MB: INCREDIBLE. Regardless if you find any of these actors attractive, half of their budget had to be spent on aphrodisiacs. I’m not sure if this should fit in the sex appeal category, but I do find it hilarious how Tom Cruise baby traps Mary Sue with Kirsten Dunst. They are so obviously a couple but I guess 1994 wasn’t ready for that yet. Everyone is in love with Mary Sue here. And I mean everyone. The movie tries to explain it by having numerous characters describe him as “still human”. UM? The fucking MIME VAMPIRE is more human than he is!! I guess if you measure humanity in whining he might be the most human. I am also a little upset that the narrative skips over most of the 20th century. We could have had vampires in bell bottoms!! Vampire zoot suits!! Mary Sue could have saved Archduke Ferdinand!!

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

VB: Not if I had to hang out with Louis. Generally it’s a no, as the vampires are typified into either whining bores (like Louis), or soulless aristocrats (like the vampire society). There is no vampire fun to be had aside from watching dumb plays about human mortality and torturing people, apparently. Lame-O.

MB: Maybe. These vampires have some really cool powers and are missing some of the most common vampiric weaknesses, but they don’t seem to be using them to the best of their ability. Mary Sue and Kirsten Dunst spend a large part of the movie looking for other vampires. Eventually, Mary Sue runs into a vampire mime on the road. The mime leads Mary Sue and Kirsten Dunst to a horde of vampires who run a theater. Seriously? Immortality, powers beyond comprehension, enough sex appeal to run the Playboy mansion, and you decide to be theater kids who put on shitty plays? I would prefer to hang out in a 24 hour Walmart in Texas. Go to a damn nightclub!

Final Thoughts:

VB: This movie should be turned into an anime about Lestat and Louis as chaotic opposite boyfriends. I do not care about Louis’ vampire revenge but I do care about Lestat’s indulgent grin as he bemoans Louis’ incessant, centuries-long whining.

MB: Not the best vampire movie out there, but incredibly entertaining and a must watch for any vampire freak. I think I would have grown bored in a movie theater, but in the comfort of my home and Vera Bradley by my side, I was well entertained. 5/10.

“Goodnight sweet prince, may flights of devils wing you to your rest.”

~ Vera Bradley & Mona Bloodstick