The Lost Boys

Initial Thoughts?

Mona Bloodstick: This is the first movie we have reviewed for this blog where I have not been on the side of the vampires. These guys suck! Quick summary: a pair of brothers get mixed up with a group of TikTok vampires and then they have to Home Alone their asses to save the day. I greatly enjoyed this movie despite the vampires lacking in the coolness department. The biggest takeaway I had was if you do not have a TV, your kids will get mixed up with vampires.

Vera Bradley: POV: me and my vampire boys saw you from across the boardwalk and think you’re cute, wyd?😏🧛

It was not until I watched this movie that it dawned on me how similar the effect MTV had on 80s kids was to that of TikTok on Gen Z. Put these vampires in a line-up with a dozen TikTok E-boys and I would have a hard time picking them out. They also are just as creepy as the TikTok POVers that cross my feed on occasion (Karmic retribution from the algorithm), making their vampirism the least unsettling thing about them.

The Lost Boys is a fun, campy 80s movies with all the great tropes. It is, however, a movie in which the 80s aspect is pulling more weight than the vampires aspect. These are the first vampires whose side I am NOT on. They truly just feel like guys you’d meet at a frat party in LA: these vampires want to be Billy Idol so bad and they have been practicing in the mirror waiting for their big break. Their behavior would fit into the movie so much better if there was some kind of flashback or reveal that showed they were only turned like a year ago or something, because these guys are sooo not ageless immortal beings.

1: How did this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: A very interesting take on half-vampires and becoming a vampire. All you have to do to become a vampire is drink vampire blood and then kill someone? I have many more questions. Also, full vampires are able to eat human food? What’s up with that? Another huge question that was brought to my attention is smoking. Should vampires be able to smoke? Clearly these guys can, but how does that work considering they are but reanimated corpses who have no need for breathing?? It certainly looks cool, but should it be allowed??

VB: This movie does very fun things with some tropes, but tramples over others. I really like that the tropes they used were turned into full on scenes instead of just given a background nod. For example, when Michael is undergoing transformation, there is a scene where he and his brother look in the mirror to find that Michael is semi-transparent, which is how his brother finds out he is a vampire (and he waves his arm behind him in a very lighthearted and silly way). Garlic and holy water become true stars in one of the very best scenes in the movie (discussed further below), and the vampire hypnotism here (“you’re eating WORMS, Michael”) is iconic enough to get a reference in What We Do in the Shadows.

However, there are some other vampire tropes that are fully discarded. For example, these vampires can eat??? They can also smoke, which might be a little easier to overlook, but coupled with the eating I am very perplexed. Honestly that’s not even a trope, it’s just a very baseline part of being a vampire? The undead only eat blood– that’s their thing. It just combines with the other stuff to make these vampires feel more human than immortal undead being.

In terms of 80’s tropes (which I’ll throw in just for fun), I’d say my top two were the nerdy friends supplying vital information specific to their nerd fixation over the phone, and the soft-focus implied sex scene, complete with so much drapery.

2: Any good kills?

MB: The absolute best kill scene. The Frog brothers make a special soup out of holy water and garlic and then drown a vampire in it. It makes a MESS. There is bloody garlic water coming out of all the house’s orifices. There are a couple other human-on-vampire deaths too, all pretty satisfying. None of the vampire’s kills are very interesting, but they do look mysterious. and leave you anticipating more

VB: YES. Some of the best I’ve seen so far. The best one was when the two nerdy boys tripped the vampire with the most blonde extensions into the bathtub of garlic and holy water (extra strength), transforming the vampire into a skeleton dripping with melted flesh and the tub into a churning whirlpool of pink goo, which then shot from every single plumbing fixture in the house. That’s gotta be a top 5 vampire kill for me. Honestly at the moment I can’t think of a better one so it might be number 1.

This kill was slightly tarnished, however, by the fact it absolutely should not have been possible. Once again illustrating that these vampires are all show, this vampire absolutely had those boys in his clutches and then just… hesitated for a really long time? Forgot that he had fangs? I really don’t know how any self respecting vampire would end that situation without two tasty teenage snacks.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: Not much time is spent grappling with being a vampire. It is obvious that the half vampires don’t really want to be full vampires, but they are clearly enjoying the powers they have as half-vampires. All of the fun with none of the responsibility.

VB: Straight up not at all. As mentioned previously I do not believe these vampires are more than 27 years old. Also, while usually in a film like this it might focus on the main character’s struggle with this after being turned, Michael is conveniently just turned into a “half-vampire” (???????), and gets to revert after the killing of the head vampire? What a cop-out. It makes me SICK.

4: Sex appeal?

MB: Yes but mostly no–there isn’t much sex appeal on the side of the vampires as they mostly are pretentious prisses but there is a lot of homoerotic tension coming from the head vampire and the older brother. There is also a really weird sex (?) scene between the older brother and the half-vampire girl he is in love with.

VB: These vampires are supposed to be sexy, and technically, like two of them are. But the way they act is sooooo cringe so no thank you. And while Michael is a very beautiful half-vampire, my confusion about what age he is supposed to be is just too weird for me. Plus, even he is susceptible to the aura of cringe that seems to hover about the vampires. Exhibit A: when he drank the blood in the vampire trap house and then there was just a weirdly long shot of him mogging??

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: Not really but if I WERE a vampire in this universe I would be way cooler than these losers.

VB: Firm no. The main reason to be a vampire is the fun vampire hijinks with your vampire crew. Yet, the camaraderie was severely lacking in this movie. David (the leader) was the ONLY vampire who talked in this film. The others, aside from saying Michael’s name once or twice, were essentially mute! It was so strange- they were only there to give the illusion of a vampire gang, without any of the actual dynamics.

MB: Yes, it’s almost as if the creators wanted to avoid paying actors for a speaking role.

Final thoughts?

MB: Again, I loved the bathtub holy water scene. I also have such an appreciation for the younger brother. My top three scenes with him are his Mondrian bathrobe, teasing his older brother for having an earring (while he also has an earring), and his reaction to the older brother being a vampire. It was such a Phineas and Ferb reaction! “Just wait until mom finds out you’re a vampire,”! Loved it. The twist at the end was especially satisfying. Would absolutely watch again.

VB: Final thoughts: I give this movie a 6.5/10– it’s not the greatest vampire movie, but it is a fun watch. Really it is mainly a teen angst/pseudo gang type film: the plot would not have changed drastically if the vampires had guns instead of fangs. Consequently, however, there was the very funny side effect of Michael’s brother reacting to his transformation as though he had caught him smoking pot behind the school. Remember, kids: no matter what your friends say, vampirism isn’t cool.

"I still want you Lucy"

~ Mona Bloodstick & Vera Bradley