Vampyros Lesbos

Initial Thoughts:

Mona Bloodstick: The name of the soundtrack album for this movie is “Sexadelic Dance Party”. And by golly does it live up to its name! The point of this movie is The Vibe. This is not a movie you would sit around and watch with some of your pretentious movie buff friends, but rather something you put on the TV in the background while the lights are dim and rose petals are everywhere. You’re busy, but the soundtrack is so good that you occasionally glance at the screen hoping for some action–only to be met with deja vu as you see the same scene each time. Fantastic! I must admit that the last time I saw this was with Vera during her Celebration of Unlife extravaganza many years ago and thus, not willing to subject myself to a rerun, my memory may be a bit lacking.

Vera Bradley: Do you often find yourself watching 1970s softcore porn for the plot? Do you like psychedelic jazz, and also vampires? If so, you may be the perfect audience for this 92 minute music video of a movie. This film has some of the most liminal space I’ve experienced via a TV, filled as it is with mostly empty rooms sparsely populated with mid-century modern furniture. I once read (with lasting incredulity) that dreams are only about 20 seconds, but our brain stretches them out. That is exactly how this movie felt. 20 seconds of storyline stretched into an hour and a half of sitar music. Part of the reason I couldn’t tell you the plot if I wanted to is that I watched it over a year ago, but to be honest that is also how I felt as soon as it ended. A woman becomes a vampire, I believe.

1: How does this movie handle classic vampire tropes?

MB: They do drink blood! And speak to victims through dreams. And they are quite sexy. That’s about where it ends, though. Nadine can walk around in the daylight and even is around running water. That being said, the aesthetic is distinctly vampiric.

VB: There is definitely some drinking of blood, which is one of the highlights of the movie. I will also say that in terms of aesthetic, red permeates the screen in a very visually pleasing way throughout most scenes. I also remember a good amount of long-distance vampire hypnosis/seduction (an often overlooked trope, but one of the most classic).

2: Any good kills?

MB: There is at least one death in this movie according to Wikipedia. I did not remember watching it so it must not have been very good.

VB: I feel vaguely that perhaps a man died.

3: How does this movie deal with the curse of eternal existence?

MB: By recruiting blonde women to join your everlasting solitude! There is no place for these vampires to bitch and moan about their state. Immortality is a curse–but it also comes with the BIGGEST metaphorical vampire dick you’ve seen.

VB: This film is far more about the vibes. There is no future or past, there is only the hazy sense that there is a room, and in it is a vampire or two. And really, wouldn’t immortality come with a similar derailing of time?

4: Sex appeal?

MB: OOooooh boy. If I had to rank every vampire movie/tv show/video game in terms of sex appeal, this would be at the top. And below that would be several empty spaces. That is just how sexy these vampires are. This movie also reminds you of just how sexy its vampires are about every ten minutes when the same random soft porn scene plays. Not that I’m complaining! Again, the purpose of this movie is The Vibe, and The Vibe includes fresh outta hell lesbian bloodsuckers.

VB: If nothing else. These vampires ooze sensuality, undulating before the viewer’s eyes as though begging any gender studies majors in the room to mention the male gaze.

5: Would I want to be a vampire in this universe?

MB: Probably? It seems that all vampires do is be sexy which wouldn’t be too bad. And it would be nice to walk around in the daylight while sipping a glass of lesbian blood. What seems more enticing to me is simply existing in the beauty of 1970s Turkey. For aesthetic purposes yes, for any meaning beyond looking hot, probably no.

VB: Tbh it feels like it might be kind of boring. They don’t really talk very much so it would be an eternity of loaded glances and undulation. But I also get the sense that they are drugged UP. So it is possible that in this universe becoming a vampire comes with a special vampire high which could be fun if you’ve got to live forever.

Final thoughts?

MB: By all means I should love this movie but again, it would be better as background noise for other activities. The Vibe makes it seem like an extremely long music video. Not the best explanation of vampire lore, but altogether a fun watch.

VB: Final thoughts: I give this movie a 5/10. While I do enjoy the occasional 70s experimental film, this one felt a bit too stretched thin to hold my attention, plot-wise. I was also led to believe there would be much more lesbianism. I will say that visually, Franco sets up some excellent tableaux, and he absolutely accomplishes the fuzzy, confused feel of a drug-induced dream that I assume he was going for. But if you were drawn to this film due to its cover image and/or title, maybe just buy a poster.

XOXO

~ Mona Bloodstick & Vera Bradley